Intern’s Log: Vicky Wants to Meet My Mom (Send Help)

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I am losing control of my life.)

  So.

  Out of all the problems in my life—

  The aliens breathing down my neck.

  Bandit planning another international incident.

  Russia’s war bears and China’s panda assassins about to throw down.

  Fen’s wolf cult waiting for God knows what.

  The U.S. government pretending they still have control over this situation.

  Vicky has decided that the REAL priority right now…

  …is meeting my mom.

  Phase One: The Conversation That Ruined My Day

  I was already stressed out, trying to figure out how to convince a sentient war criminal raccoon to stand down, when Vicky casually dropped the biggest bomb of all.

  She just walked into the lab, arms folded, expression unreadable, and said:

  "Reynolds. It’s time I met your mother."

  I blinked.

  "I—what?"

  "Your mother." she repeated, like this was the most obvious thing in the world. "You talk about her often. She seems very invested in your future. It only makes sense that I meet her."

  I felt my entire soul exit my body.

  "Vicky. We are on the verge of global catastrophe."

  "And?"

  "And you want to—what? Come over for dinner?"

  Vicky tilted her head, her golden eyes glowing slightly.

  "Well, yes. And to discuss the nature of our relationship."

  OH. OH NO.

  Phase Two: My Immediate Panic Attack

  "We don’t HAVE a relationship!" I choked out.

  Vicky arched a delicate eyebrow.

  "Reynolds." she said smoothly. "I know you’re intelligent. Try to keep up."

  And then she leaned in—WAY TOO CLOSE—

  her tails curling slightly around her legs.

  "I have been engineered for strategy, infiltration, and manipulation."

  "I know how people work."

  "I know how YOU work."

  And then she smirked.

  "And I know exactly what your mother will think when she meets me."

  I nearly dropped dead on the spot.

  Phase Three: The Absolute Worst Realization of My Life

  Oh. Oh no.

  She’s right.

  My mom will LOVE her.

  ? Beautiful? Check.

  ? Intelligent? Check.

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  ? Mysterious, vaguely intimidating, with a dangerously confident aura? BIG CHECK.

  ? The kind of woman my mom has always said I need in my life? UNFORTUNATELY, CHECK.

  I can already hear my mother’s voice.

  "Oh, Reynolds, she’s lovely! So poised! So well-spoken! And look at that hair, it just shines!"

  And the worst part?

  Vicky KNOWS.

  She knows my mom will instantly approve of her.

  She knows my mom will start talking about weddings five minutes into the conversation.

  And she knows I will have absolutely no way to stop this from happening.

  Phase Four: My Desperate Attempt to Escape

  "Vicky. No."

  She tilted her head, amused.

  "Vicky. Yes."

  "Vicky, I am BEGGING YOU."

  "Reynolds." She placed a clawed finger under my chin, tilting my head up just slightly.

  "Be a good boy."

  I DIED.

  I ceased to exist.

  Vicky just laughed, flicked her tails, and walked away.

  Phase Five: I Called My Mom

  I sat in my office for thirty full minutes, trying to figure out what to do.

  Then, like an idiot, I made the mistake of calling my mom.

  And the SECOND she picked up:

  "Oh, sweetie! Finally! Did you meet someone yet? I was just talking to Mrs. Patel about how I worry about you being alone!"

  Kill me.

  "Mom," I said, voice dead. "Listen. Hypothetically. What would you say if I told you that one of my coworkers wanted to meet you?"

  She gasped.

  "Reynolds. You HAVE to bring her over for dinner!"

  Oh God.

  "I—Mom, she’s not exactly… normal."

  "Sweetheart, no woman is! You just have to understand them!"

  No. That’s not what I meant.

  But Vicky had already won.

  Phase Six: The Inevitable

  So.

  Now?

  I have to take Vicky to meet my mother.

  During an international crisis.

  While a raccoon warlord is planning something.

  While super-bears and panda assassins are about to clash.

  While a rogue werewolf is building an army in the wilderness.

  While the U.S. government is pretending they still have control over anything.

  While the aliens are WATCHING US.

  And Vicky doesn’t care.

  Because she’s already won.

  And the worst part?

  She knows I know.

  Final Thoughts (a.k.a. I Am Doomed)

  ? Vicky has planned this from the start.

  ? She is enjoying every second of my suffering.

  ? My mom is about to start wedding preparations.

  ? I cannot stop this.

  This is it.

  This is how I die.

  Not in a war.

  Not in a government cover-up.

  Not at the hands of the aliens.

  But trapped between a genetically-engineered fox-woman and my mother’s wedding fantasies.

  God help me.

  End Log.