“Hello again, Amaranth,” Yamada greeted me as I sat down. She looked tired. “I apologize for the abruptness of this meeting, I asked them to reschedule til tomorrow but, well.” She shrugged.

  “Yeah it's the Protectorate,” I said. “At least they gave me some time to rest before.”

  “I'm glad to hear.” She offered a smile and scratched something on her notepad. “Have you been getting adequate rest?” I snorted.

  “Yeah sure,” I said sarcastically. “Between the Slaughterhouse Nine and the nightmares I'm doing great.” I sighed. “Sorry. No, I'm not sleeping well.” She nodded.

  “I'm sorry to hear,” she said sympathetically. “Have you talked to Gallant, or another hero about it?”

  “They're all screwed too,” I replied. “Like, compared to Gallant or Miss Militia I'm probably doing fine, you know? We're all making do.”

  “That doesn't make it easier for you, Amaranth,” Yamada admonished me gently. “How are you feeling today?” I shrugged.

  “Like crap, but that's normal,” I answered honestly. That was what was supposed to make therapy work right? “I guess better than I have been. Less stressed.”

  “Things have certainly been stressful lately,” she said, cocking her head. “May I ask what has been helping you feel less stressed?”

  “Uh, I guess I prevented one of my...predictions.” Sort of, halfway, but good enough. “So that's something, and I don't remember anything happening for...the foreseeable future?”

  “Both sound like very good things indeed.” Yamada offered what looked like a genuine smile. “What did you pr--”

  “Nope.” She blinked.

  “Alright,” she said simply. “May I ask why you don't want to speak about it?”

  “Not my place,” I said shortly. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “Certainly,” she nodded. “Was there anything in particular you wanted to discuss today?” I considered that for a minute that dragged into a silent ten.

  “I...” I licked my lips. “If...if you had the chance to do something over, better, would you? I guess that's kind of a cliché, but would you?”

  “Is this about your power?” she asked, making me narrow my eyes.

  “It's just a question,” I countered. Had Dean talked to her? Bastard. Yamada took a deep breath.

  “I wouldn't,” she said firmly. “The choices I've made and experiences I've had have led me to be the person I am today.”

  “Well that's nice,” I said. “And what if that meant that a lot of people died where you could have saved them?”

  “I...think that's a very difficult question to answer,” she hedged. “I suppose it would depend on whether I felt I had an active hand in personally taking their lives. What brought this up?”

  “Jack Slash told me if I killed myself, he'd leave the bay.” I took a shaky breath and plucked at the fabric of my hood. “I mean, he was almost definitely lying, but if he wasn't...” I hadn't let myself give it much though. That didn't mean it wasn't on my mind.

  “If he wasn't you wonder if you're responsible?” I nodded and got a sigh. “I'm sorry Amaranth, that's a very difficult thing to think about. I think in this case, I should remind you that Jack Slash chose you specifically as someone to victimize. You said it yourself, it's certain he's lying.”

  “Almost certain,” I corrected her and shook my head. “I didn't even consider it though, not for a second. Does...I think that makes me a bad person, right? Not even thinking about giving my life for thousands?”

  “I think that assessment is unfair,” Yamada deflected. “Especially when, as you said yourself, you saved someone you care about.”

  “That shouldn't matter compared to so many,” I said, crossing my arms. “It's selfish.”

  “It may feel that way,” she agreed. “But knowing you saved someone personally, versus abstract people you never affected...would you like my opinion?” I shrugged and nodded. Couldn't hurt. “Concrete help is better than abstract good, I do not think you're selfish for not wanting to give up on what you feel you made better.” I sighed.

  “Thanks, I guess that makes me feel better.” At least some people might not see me as a monster for it. That was a damn short list though.

  “You're welcome and I'm glad.” Yamada smiled again and jotted something on her notepad. “How are you settling into your new quarters?”

  “The bed sucks,” I complained. “Doesn't matter since I haven't been sleeping, but it doesn't help. I only just moved in though, ask me in a week when everyone's had the chance to chew me out for what I did and we'll see.”

  “Have they spoken to you about what happened?” I shook my head.

  “Haven't seen anyone besides Weld, Clockblocker, and Gallant.” I grimaced. “Didn't make a good impression on the first two, and like I've said before Gallant hates me. And I know it sounds like I'm just minimizing things, but it's fine. I don't expect them to be friends with me and I'll tell them that, I just don't want them ffff--, oh whatever. I don't want them fucking me over okay? I don't think I deserve that.”

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  “I don't think any of them would even consider that,” Yamada said with a confidence I wish I could feel. “I can imagine one or two of them being offended at the idea.” I winced.

  “Sorry.”

  “No, I apologize,” she said quickly, tucking a strand of hair. “I didn't mean to suggest your feeling was wrong. I just mean that the Wards care deeply about each other, and you are one of them.”

  “Barely,” I retorted. “I was a Ward for what, a week before I bailed? I've spent more time in the field with the Undersiders than my teammates, which is just...yeah, great start for a 'hero' huh?”

  “You've had a much more difficult first week than most,” Yamada offered. “But I believe your team will come to see, with time, that you did what you did for the same reasons they go out every day.”

  “Wish I felt I deserved it,” I muttered.

  “Deserved what, Amaranth?”

  “Their understanding, acceptance, whatever,” I said, eyes shifting. “I...what do you think of me, doctor? An honest assessment, don't pull punches or anything.” I licked my lips as she took a breath.

  “I think you're a young woman who's gone through more than her share of life's troubles,” Yamada spoke gently. “I think that you're struggling with how you feel your past shapes you and with trying to live up to unrealistic standards. But I also see that you're trying, Amaranth.” I nodded and swallowed dust as I gripped the cuff of my sleeve, pulling it up. Yamada couldn't suppress a gasp and it made me wince.

  “And now?”

  “I...” She didn't have a very good poker face. I pulled my sleeve back down as she took a shaky breath. “May I ask about...those?”

  “You don't have to hide it,” I said glumly. “I know how people will see me, doctor. Doesn't matter how much of a hero I am, it's not gonna make up for...all this shit.”

  “I will admit I am...shocked,” Yamada said tentatively. “More by the fact that, I believe, you didn't have those the first time we met.” I nodded.

  “Had to get them,” I explained. “Mannequin's trial. I guess...I guess I didn't really, since he fucking bit it, but when he jams a knife in your friend's hand you take him seriously. Told me to 'change', and since it's the Nine...I did it for the worse.” I stared at the floor, bouncing my leg rapidly. “Not the most fucked up part though, why I'm keeping them around. I don't...you probably don't want to hear about this, it's really bad and...and you'll probably have to report it.”

  “If you would like to discuss it,” she said slowly, her voice back under control at least. “Then I am willing to hear you out.”

  “Yeah?” I licked my lips. I couldn't talk to anyone about this, not really, but maybe... “Victor called my mom 'the best crusader in the war on drugs', not because she was anti-drug, but because she made sure minorities were the ones getting fucked by it. Don't know all the gory details but...but if the Nazis are idolizing her, you know it was worse than whatever either of us are thinking. She--” My voice cracked and I stopped, throat tight.

  “I'm so sorry Amelia,” Yamada said, her voice far too gentle for what I'd just told her. “That is...an extremely horrible thing to learn, especially about a parent.”

  “Yeah, well, at least she's dead.” Yamada's eyes widened slightly.

  “I...see, I'm sorry to hear.”

  “I'm not.” I swallowed and sniffed. “Not anymore.” There was a long silence after that.

  “I think I understand why you fear what your peers will think of you,” Yamada said at last. “I believe that, in time, they will come to see that your past does not define you. And Amelia, please do remember that you are not responsible for what your parents did.” I sighed.

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I replied, rising from my chair. “I...want to go lay down. Sorry, I know we still have some time but..."

  “It's perfectly alright Amelia.” She offered me a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. “Go ahead, I'll see you in a few days.” I nodded and turned away.

  The PRT officer assigned to make sure I didn't cut and run again fell in behind me as I began walking. I'd been told it was for my safety, with Jack Slash still at large and me being his candidate and all, but I wasn't quite so gullible. It didn't bother me that much anyway, I was a flight risk in their eyes and couldn't really blame them for seeing things like that.

  I wanted to scream. I'd been really stupid in there, showing off my tattoos like that, but like...really, who else could I talk to about that? Obviously not Yamada again, since that had been a mistake in the first place. Dean was sick of my shit, and Amy had her own to deal with so...fuck me I guess. I sighed as I entered the elevator and started descending, mentally adding 'get chewed out by everyone for my mom being a genocidaire' to my calendar of events. No way she'd keep her mouth shut on that, unfortunately.

  Well, it would have come out no matter what, probably. Either a captured Nazi would spill the beans or I'd open my fat mouth later rather than sooner. I left the trooper in the elevator as I strode into the Ward quarters, my quarters now, angling straight for my room. I grunted in response to a greeting from Lily, lounging in the common area, and shut the door to my room behind me.

  For a moment I stood utterly still, then practically tore my costume off, cursing loudly and violently as I stumbled around the cramped space. It was too much, everything was too much. I slapped the lightswitch so I didn't have to see my body in the mirror across from the door, then nearly fell as my knees struck the low bed. I swore, screamed, and lashed out with a blind punch, projection drawn back. My knuckles cracked against the headboard and I screamed again, struck again.

  A knock on the door made me flinch and shut my mouth. Fuck. I'd thrown a tantrum and now I was causing problems for my new roommates. I sighed and rose, running my fingers through my messy hair. I wiped my eyes and went to my closet, grabbing a hoodie and pulling it over my head. Once I was decent and...covered, I took a deep breath and opened my door.

  “Sorry,” I croaked, before I even registered Lily standing in front of me wearing a worried look. “I'll keep it down.”

  “Are you okay?” she asked, cocking her head. “I...you sounded upset, I wanted to check on you.”

  “I'm fine,” I answered flatly. “Just a shitty therapy session.” She huffed.

  “Yeah I know the ones,” Lily said lightly. “Sorry it happened in the middle of...everything.” I shrugged.

  “Happens, sorry to bother you.”

  “Hey.” I paused, hand on the door control. “I uh, I'm glad you're safe.” I frowned.

  “Thanks.” I wasn't sure why she was bothering...but I probably should too. “How...are you?”

  “Tired,” she said. “But a little better, now that the worst is over.” I sighed and nodded.

  “Yeah, I know the feeling.”

  “You know I heard about you and Amy getting nominated,” Lily said after a moment of quiet. “You went out there to help her, right?” I grimaced.

  “I did,” I answered honestly. “Sorry to leave you guys behind.” She shook her head.

  “No no, I get it,” she said quickly. “Really I...I do. And hey, you came back and even brought her with you. That's a big deal, Amaranth.”

  “I...guess.” I glanced up and saw her smiling warmly, then looked away. “Thanks Lily I...thanks.” I blinked at the sandy feeling in my eyes. “I'm gonna try and get some sleep before the director calls me up for another 'debriefing'.”

  “G'night Amaranth,” Lily said, taking a step back. “Hope you rest well.”

  I shut the door after saying goodnight and stripped my hoodie, dumping it on the floor. My knuckles and wrist throbbed, painful but not enough to be broken. Stupid of me, but I just had to eat it now, like every other stupid choice. I yawned and laid down on my bed, eyes heavy. Despite the tension wracking my body, I found myself drifting off quickly. I guess Lily's visit had made me feel a little better, her telling me that basically she didn't hate me was...nice.

  I just had to hope my luck wouldn't run out.