[Evaluator: Hey, kid. Good morning!]

  [Connor: Ugh. what time is it?]

  [Evaluator: You can literally see the time whenever you want by looking slightly up.]

  [Connor: Oh right.]

  [Current time 05:38:47]

  [Connor: Five in the morning? Really?]

  [Evaluator: Hey, I'm just excited to see how much you plan on changing your life based on some trolling in the DMs and Dumbo's Magic Playing Card.]

  [Connor: The Euclid Avenue Raid isn't until 10, why are you waking me up like 4 hours early?]

  [Evaluator: Maybe I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, huh? Did you think of that?]

  [Connor: It's not my birthday. My birthday is...]

  [Connor: Oh. Shit.]

  [Connor: It IS my birthday.]

  I'm one of those people who has big events sneak up on them every year. Especially when I spend so much time at work. Last year I actually spent the first day of my vacation at work because I forgot when my vacation started. Ned... never actually paid me for that day. Called it "Volunteering."

  I'm starting to feel better about leaving without notice.

  I looked around my cramped one bedroom apartment sparsely populated by battered Ikea furniture. Maybe I could find SOMETHING, some way to make the day special before I head out.

  Gaming?

  No, I do that every day.

  Reading a book?

  Eh, I mostly listen to audiobooks now, and that's how I like it.

  Maybe I can cook something?

  Yeah, yeah that sounds like the way to go.

  I tumbled out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen, ready to make myself a nice, filling breakfast for my first day delving dungeons. I opened the fridge.

  "Let's see what we're working with here..."

  Inside was... four ketchup packets, and a green pepper I bought when I was feeling optimistic about my ability to eat vegetables. That was fine, no problem. Everyone knows you keep most of the good food in the freezer, right? So it'll keep. Obviously my good food was in the freezer.

  Aaaaand I had three Popsicles and a bag of ice. Why did I have a bag of ice? I don't even have a cooler...

  Ugh, I slammed the doors of the fridge shut and sank onto my lumpy futon. Maybe I could actually eat the green pepper?

  No, that was madness talking. Madness and desperation.

  [Evaluator: Kid, I don't want you to take this the wrong way but... you're kinda pathetic huh?]

  [Connor: I want to argue with that but honestly, I don't have a huge amount of evidence to the contrary right now.]

  [Evaluator: Well, look on the bright side. At least you know to surround yourself with smarter, more competent people than you. You don't have a choice, they'd literally have to be slugs or something to be dumber or less competent, but it's something.]

  [Connor: Do you come with a mute button or something?]

  [Evaluator: Nope. You're stuck with me until you die or I get bored.]

  I started to type up a message demanding to know what this mystery evaluator meant by that when I was interrupted by the sound of the door buzzer.

  Who'd be visiting me at this hour?

  [Evaluator: Yeah, imagine someone going out of their way to socialize with you?]

  [Connor: Hey, I can't be that bad. You're here.]

  [Evaluator: To me, you're like, half charity case, half reality TV show. Like if they sent a bunch of orphans to the island from Survivor.]

  [Connor: Fuck you]

  [Connor: ...]

  [Connor: Honestly, I'd watch Survivor: Orphan Island if they made it]

  [Evaluator: Me too. We should write a letter to CBS]

  I hit the speaker button on the intercom. "Yo, who is it?"

  "Happy birthday, Connor!" A young woman's voice chirped through the speaker.

  My face lit up "Harper! Get up here!" I punched in the code to unlock the building's front door, then flung open the door to my apartment.

  There she was. Cynthia Harper, my best friend since childhood. I was used to seeing her in jeans and a tank top, or big bulky sweaters, but for some reason, today she was wearing a neat three piece business suit complete with pencil skirt and a briefcase. I bet I could guess what she had planned today.

  "Come here, you!" She dropped the briefcase as soon as she was inside and pulled me straight into a great big hug. "Be honest, did you forget it was your birthday again?"

  "...No. Maybe. Shut up!" I looked away from her. "Did you show up at like 6 AM just for me? You're not even usually awake this early."

  "I knew you'd forget. I wanted to make sure you knew someone remembered, so here."

  She reached down, the silver glimmer of a skill card appearing in her hand briefly, as she used her special skill, Snatch, to pull a plastic bag out from behind the briefcase. "You have clean plates and forks I hope?" she said, pulling out a small round cake birthday cake.

  "Paper plates and plastic forks. Always clean." I grinned.

  "You're terrible for the environment." she scoffed as she pulled a couple paper plates off the top of my fridge. "I'm going to buy you real plates next year."

  "They'll go to waste." I laughed, sitting back down on the futon. Harper put a massive slice of cake in front of me. White cake with vanilla frosting and fondant flowers. The cake in front of me was absolutely littered with the frosting flowers. My absolutely perfect slice of cake. "You got extra flowers?"

  "I remembered they're your favorite."

  I slid my fork into the cake, cutting one of the decorative flowers in half and bringing the bite to my mouth. The frosting melted in my mouth. Pure. Undiluted. Heaven.

  "So." I said with my mouth still full. "What's with the suit and briefcase? Going somewhere fancy? Oooo, is it yours and Max's anniversary already?"

  "Swallow before you talk." she stuck her tongue out at me.

  [Evaluator: If I had a nickel for every time I've said that.]

  [Connor: Oh my god, stop.]

  "No, that's not for another few months. But I am going to see him later today. That's why I had to come so early, sorry if I woke you."

  "Nah, I woke up like half an hour ago." I yawned. "Max is going on that raid later today, right?"

  Harper's face lit up with surprise. "You know about the Euclid Avenue raid?

  "He was at Undead Ned's shop last night. Buying a new hammer and some potions."

  "Dammit, he's supposed to be saving money." Harper sighed and took a bite of the cake. "But yeah, he's going to the raid. And..." She dropped the briefcase in front of her and opened the lid. "So am I."

  I felt like I was looking into the glowing briefcase from Pulp Fiction, Except instead of Marcellus Wallace's soul inside was some kind of complex mechanical looking Compound Bow, an arrow, and a dungeon key, a big, brass, old fashioned key with a orange tassel on it.

  "I had a feeling you might be. What got Max to finally go along with it?" I looked at her quizzically.

  "It Max's idea this time, actually. He says that the Guilds watch a lot of freelance raids to decide who to recruit." she closed the briefcase back up and set it aside. The case made a weird squishing sound as it hit the floor and we realized at the same time...

  "I dropped the briefcase in frosting..."

  "You dropped the briefcase in frosting." we shared a laugh as she pulled a mostly empty roll of paper towels out of the kitchen with her Snatch skill. "I think you've got a pretty good shot at impressing someone in the guilds."

  "I don't think I'm anything special." She looked uneasy as she wiped down the briefcase.

  "Don't sell yourself short." I smirked at her. "You just need to get out there and show off that skill of yours. I guarantee you, once those Hunters see your Snatch, they won't be able to get enough of you!"

  Harper groaned. "Phrasing, Connor."

  "I'm just saying, your Snatch is incredible. Let a few guild scouts see it and you're guaranteed a spot somewhere. People will be coming from far and wide to get a peek at Harper's Snatch!"

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

  She chucked a hunk of the frosting at me. I caught it in my mouth.

  "Seriously, I don't know. Their standards are pretty high. My skill-" I started to make another joke, but she hit me with a glare and I wisely decided the joke had run its course. For now. "is only silver rank, and I'm only level 12." A look of concern flashed across her face. "Er, sorry Connor, I know complaining about that is kind of insensitive when you're level 1 and don't have a skill card."

  "I think you mean 'When I'm level 1.'" I grinned at her and let the statement hang in the air for a few moments.

  It was so nice to watch the emotions run across her face in rapid succession. Confusion. Surprise. Then excitement. "You got a skill?"

  "Last night." I said, "And you aren't going to believe the rarity."

  "If you got a gold, I swear to god." Harper shook a fist at me in a comical "why you little" sort of gesture.

  "Well, I didn't get a gold." I said, Bringing the shimmering holographic platinum card into existence between me and Harper on the table. If she looked surprised when I told her I had a card, now she looked like I just dropped a winning lottery ticket in front of her.

  "Is this a platinum card? I've never even seen one before..." She flipped the card over in her hands, reading through it. "S. Platinum? I always thought those were a myth. This is a prank, right? You, like, spray painted an old yugioh card or something."

  "Nope" I reached out one hand, as if I was expecting her to give it back, and the card dissolved in her hand. I felt the comforting warmth of it returning to my skill slot as Harper looked at me in awe.

  "You know what this means, right? If you become a hunter with that card, you'll be rich! Famous!"

  I felt a pang of sadness. "There's a catch. Two really."

  She looked at me concerned. "Go on..."

  "It's a utility card. It's a really damn good one, with three really good effects, but... did you see the Westhaven Mall live stream last night? The Raging Rhinos brought in a Utility skill guy and got demolished."

  "Ah yeah. Doug Chaplan. I heard he was the only survivor. The Bigfoot thing knocked him out and left him in a bush."

  "Really? How'd he get out?"

  "The bush was right near the stairwell. He slipped out as soon as he woke up. Told the reporters that he used his map to slip past all the monsters just like he did on the way up."

  "Huh. Good for him." I actually wasn't expecting a happy ending. Well, kind of happy, one survivor is better than none."

  "You said there were two issues with your card. What's the other one?"

  "Oh right. It has some passive bonuses and triggered abilities that I can use freely, but the card's activated effect... If I use it, I lose the entire skill card. I'll only be able to use the best ability of the card once, and it'll cost me everything."

  "I... I've never heard of that before." Harper looked down at her own card "Usually when there's a restriction, it lowers the base value of the card. There's no way it could have that serious a drawback and still be an S. Platinum Card, right?"

  Knowing what it could do, knowing the activated effect that Harper hadn't had time to read before I snatched the card back, I disagreed. Underworld Emperor: Class U was absolutely an S. Platinum Card, drawback or no.

  [Evaluator: Damn straight. That has to be the most OP card we've ever made. If we didn't put that restriction on it, you'd just be a god.]

  I didn't argue. The mystery voice was right. I... really needed to name him at some point.

  [Evaluator: Name "Him?" Did you just assume my gender?]

  [Connor: Will you stop reading my mind?]

  [Connor: Also, fuck, sorry.]

  [Connor: Are you a woman? Or maybe some sort of all powerful genderless eldritch being from beyond the stars? Or both?]

  [Evaluator: Hah, what I am is messing with you. I am in fact a dude. Though if you wanted to think of me as an all powerful eldritch being from beyond the stars I do find the thought flattering.]

  [Connor: Ass.]

  [Evaluator: Seriously though, you can just keep calling me the Evaluator. My job was to pick someone to give a rare card to, and now my job is to Evaluate how you use it.]

  [Connor: Great. I thrive under constant judgment.]

  [Connor: That was sarcasm by the way.]

  "Connor?" I looked up from the message to realize Harper was still talking to me. "You zoned out on me there, buddy. Did you hear me?"

  "Uh, sorry. Lost in thought" I couldn't exactly tell her I was getting messages from some mystery evaluator who claimed to be from the system. I'd get locked away. "Would you mind repeating what you just said?"

  "I said what does the card do? If it warrants that kind of restriction, it must be something really cool, right? The power was called storming hell's gate, so is it like some sort of super powerful instant kill move that drags the target to hell, regardless of HP?"

  I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. "I... don't want to talk about it." The card's actual power was too great to spread around and... I love Harper, we've been friends for most of our lives, but do you know the three quickest ways to spread information? Telephone, telegraph. Tell a friend. "I'm probably not going to use the activated ability anyway. As long as I have this card, I don't need to eat, do you have any idea how much money that will save me? I'm pretty sure I don't have to sleep either. I slept maybe 4 hours last night and I still feel rested, like I slept in until noon."

  A tinge of judgment shined in Harper's eyes "So what, you got a superpower and you're going to use it to coast through life?"

  "I want to live a comfortable life. If that makes me a coaster, put a drink on me." I grinned and picked up my shopping bag from the floor. "Besides, I do have big plans now that I have this. You're not the only one who's planning on going to the raid today." I jingled my new dungeon key on its giant janitor key ring. "Bought this on the way out of the store yesterday."

  "Oh shit! Do you have a party yet?"

  I shook my head. "Haven't had time. You mind if I tag along with you and Max?"

  "Of course." She put a hand on my shoulder. "We have a healer lined up but that still leaves us with a couple free spots in the party."

  [Evaluator: Ah, codependence. You want to improve your life? Leech off of a successful friend!]

  [Connor: Is everything you say ridiculously jaded?]

  [Evaluator: Not at all. I also say things that are cynical]

  I ignored the message and turned my attention back to Harper. "Oh, so have I met this mystery healer?"

  "I don't know. She goes to the same coffee shop as I do." She shrugged. "I told her about our plans to go raiding and now she's coming along."

  "I swear your ability to meet people and recruit them for things is a genuine superpower."

  "It's really not anything special. Anyone can meet people." she scoffed.

  "I haven't met a new person in like 5 years." I shrugged back. "I'm starting to think I met all the people there are. Shame, really, there's not that many that I like."

  [Evaluator: Don't sell yourself short. You've met me. I'm new.]

  [Connor: That's why I specified new people, Mr. Eldritch horror.]

  [Evaluator: That's... extremely hurtful. Eldritch Horrors are people too.]

  [Evaluator: Seriously though. I was just kidding about the immortal being from beyond the stars thing. Or was I? Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN]

  I stared at the message. Did the Evaluator just try to do a dramatic sting through text? What is my life turning in to?