"Are you finally willing to open the door?" Feng Yi'an stood at the entrance, the light from inside the house shining on him. He had a gloomy face and an unfriendly tone. The doorbell was pressed for a long time by him, ringing continuously due to inertia before finally stopping after a while.

  Xin Chen thought, unexpectedly there wasn't a single place where she could catch her breath and calm down. She leaned against the door, annoyed, and said: "What do you want to do, Feng Yi'an?"

  "Why did you turn off your phone? Are you afraid of disturbing me?" he asked aggressively.

  She ignored his question, "I'm just about to leave, let's go down together."

  She pulled open the door ready to go out, but Feng Yi'an took a step forward and stood inside, "This place is not bad either, it's quiet, we can have a good talk."

  Xin Chen felt a bit helpless, she and Feng Yi'an had known each other for almost two years, and they had been officially dating for over a year. He used to be quite refined and reasonable, but lately, his behavior had become increasingly erratic. She had thought it was just his spoiled rich kid temper flaring up, but now she found herself feeling unfamiliar and speechless towards this man who would suddenly reveal anger. The invisible low pressure he brought made her feel like the room, which hadn't been ventilated for days, was suddenly stuffy. So she opened the security door, letting the wind from the balcony create a convection current with the air inside, then looked at him, waiting for him to speak first.

  Feng Yi'an walked into the middle of the house, looking around in all directions. He had sent Xin Chen home more than once before and was familiar with the layout here. Although he knew that this place was facing demolition, the desolate and empty walls in front of him, as if washed away by a flood, still surprised him somewhat.

  "Where do you live now?"

  I am temporarily living at my older sister's house.

  "It's not good to always live in others' homes."

  Xin Chen smiled silently, that was natural. She knew more than ever today what it meant to have no space of her own. "What do you want from me?"

  Feng Yi'an was slightly taken aback and paused for a moment before saying: "Must there be something going on in order to look for you?"

  "You seem to have forgotten, An, we've already broken up."

  "Unmarried men and women, one breakup doesn't count as an obstacle to meeting again, right?" Feng Yi'an said with a hint of sarcasm, "Go find another excuse for refusal."

  Xin Chen smiled, "Do you need a reason? Less meetings mean less trouble."

  Feng Yi'an was a bit annoyed, "I just found out a few days ago that my mom came to see you, why didn't you tell me?"

  Xin Chen thought for a moment, "This is indeed a problem. Alright, just general reasoning, I guess your mom must have told you many times at home what she said to me, do I need to go and tell you again as a confession? Sorry, but I've never felt apologetic about my birth or the things that have already happened."

  "As soon as I mentioned breaking up, you nodded in agreement."

  Xin Chen did not speak, during that time Feng Yi'an was a bit violent, often quarreling with her over trivial matters and going cold war, and more than once turning his sleeve and leaving. She couldn't help feeling confused and annoyed, but considering that breaking up would inevitably displease her uncle, she tolerated it. It wasn't until Feng's mother found her that she realized that other people's families were already quarreling over her.

  She politely called Feng Mu Auntie, but Feng Mu called her Xin Miss and spoke very directly: "I and Yi An's father just happened to know a little about the situation and think you are not suitable for Yi An."

  Xin Chen was shocked, waiting to hear her ramble on, "has taken some not-so-decent commercials, had an early romance, has had several boyfriends, mother is unknown, father was once involved in a fraud case..." Xin Chen suddenly turned cold and smiled, raising his eyebrows: "Auntie, you went to so much trouble to ask so many people, why not just come and ask me directly? I'm sure I can tell you more details than they can."

  "Is that so?" Mrs. Feng smiled with a hint of annoyance, "When your uncle introduced you to us, he didn't make it clear, only saying you were from a single-parent family, which already made me somewhat dissatisfied. Do you think if we had known the whole situation earlier, we would have let Yi'an meet you?"

  Xin Chen Zhengse said: "My uncle has never been interested in gossip, and he doesn't have to hide anything from me. The things you mentioned are basically all my personal affairs, which have nothing to do with my uncle. I've never hidden anything from anyone, but I also don't have the obligation to explain myself to others. If you can't accept it, that's your problem."

  Mrs. Feng obviously didn't expect her attitude to be so tough, "Do you think you've got Yi An under control and don't need to worry about our opposition? Well, you're wrong, I'm telling you clearly, we will definitely not agree to him marrying you."

  Xin Chen burst out laughing, "Auntie, if I'm not mistaken, you've already told Yi An all of this. If he's a good son who listens to you, then there wouldn't be any need for you to come find me again."

  Mrs. Feng was suddenly speechless, and after a while, she said with a hum: "You don't have to be smug, he will understand sooner or later that marriage is not as simple as he imagined. After all, you are Director Xin's niece, I don't want to discuss your affairs with him."

  If Feng's mother said she wanted to find her father, Xinkai Yu, she wouldn't care at all and would be happy to let this arrogant old lady knock on the door. But when it came to her uncle, she couldn't let him face embarrassment. "Your son is an adult just like me, isn't it a bit ridiculous to look for family members? Moreover, a mere deputy ministerial-level cadre family is not worth my trouble to curry favor with, I will also make it clear to Yi'an."

  After the unpleasant parting, Xin Chen was really angry. The next day, Feng Yi'an found her, she tried to control her temper and waited for him to speak, but unexpectedly he remained silent for a long time before saying: "Xin Chen, let's break up."

  Xin Chen had a feeling of being robbed of her lines, she almost wanted to throw back her head and laugh loudly, but in front of her, Feng Yi'an was staring at her intently, his eyes burning with intensity. She suddenly became calm, lost all desire to make any outburst, looked at him steadily for a moment, nodded, "Okay." Then stood up and walked away.

  "Didn't you ever think of asking me why I wanted to break up with you?"

  Xin Chen sincerely said: "I just don't have any curiosity about the reason."

  Feng Yi'an stared at her, his eyes filled with anger, the veins on his forehead throbbing, "From start to finish, you've always had this 'whatever' attitude. Love? Okay; marriage? Maybe after some consideration; apologizing? No big deal, forget it; breaking up? Alright..."

  "What else can I do? Sorry, I don't have much dramatic emotional expression, especially when it comes to breaking up, and I really don't have the habit of giving others psychological satisfaction by being overly sentimental."

  "Have you ever cared about me? Xincheng, I look for excuses to argue with you, and you just ignore me; as soon as I mention breaking up, you agree without even asking why. Don't you think that's already very heartless of you?"

  "I thought the time we spent together wasn't short, you should know that my personality is like this, those who are willing to stay by my side, I will cherish them well; as for those who can't be kept, I think it's better to let them go."

  "Cherish?" Feng Yi An repeated the word heavily, "At least I've never felt that you cherish anything. To put it bluntly, you think I'm not worth keeping, right?"

  "Yi An, did you come here just to argue with me? When we were together I didn't even have the leisure to indulge in such emotions, let alone today."

  Feng Yi'an sneered, "Fine, you win, I admit defeat. Once again, I'll crawl back and beg for mercy from you. Are you satisfied? Don't hold back, laugh at me to your heart's content."

  Xin Chen was shocked, she didn't have any intention of competing with Feng Yi'an at all. The breakup only made her angry for a few days, and then she didn't think about it anymore. "What's the point of this? Playing split-split-merge-merge? Sorry, you say break up and we break up, you say make up and we make up. If I enjoyed this way of interacting, that would mean I really have some serious psychological issues."

  Feng Yi'an said calmly, "I'm apologizing on behalf of my mom. She had no right to say those things to you."

  "I accept your apology, let's just drop it and go, I'm exhausted today."

  Feng Yi'an stood in front of her, motionless and expressionless. "I don't expect you to be curious about my actions and mind, and I can also determine that you don't have any feelings for me. My initial judgment was not wrong, you just need a knowledgeable and interesting man to accompany you."

  "Here we go again, accusing me of being selfish. Fine, I am selfish, but at least I've never pretended to be otherwise and deceived anyone's feelings. How about you take a good look at yourself? When you heard what your mom said, what was the first thing that came to mind? Of course, you were bothered, yet you didn't want to come and confront me in person; you're hesitant, so you keep picking fights with me over trivial things. Let's not even mention the opinions of others at home - if a relationship is making both people unhappy, then there's no point in continuing it."

  Feng Yi'an looked at her coldly and said clearly: "You think I'm really despicable. I admit, my parents care about those things, but I have basic judgment. Your birth is not your choice, your parents' behavior has nothing to do with you, and you were young when filming commercials. As for having many boyfriends, Xin Chen, I'm not an idiot. Would I think that a girl who's still a virgin when she's with me is promiscuous?"

  Xin Chen was speechless for the first time, staring blankly at Feng Yi'an.

  Feng Yi'an suddenly reached out and hugged her, she instinctively struggled, but he held her firmly in place, his face close to hers. "The only thing I care about is whether you've ever loved me, was it worth the risk of arguing with my parents for me to stay with you?"

  Xin Chen stopped struggling, and the empty room suddenly fell silent, almost to the point where you could hear the sound of their heartbeats. After a long time, Xin Chen revealed a bitter smile. "Yi An, I think someone as meticulous as you, if you hadn't taken to heart those things your parents care about, then when you said we should break up, the question of whether it's worth it or not had already been answered."

  Feng Yi'an slowly released his hand, "That's right, I thought I had thought it through clearly, but every time I see you again, I find that I overestimated my rationality and underestimated my memory. I hate that you can do it so easily, be so calm, and forget. The first time with you was far less significant to me than it was to you, wasn't it?"

  Xin Chen's first time was indeed with Feng Yi An, although Feng Yi An wasn't the first man to hold her and have a physiological reaction.

  This city is always bustling, the university is full of fresh faces, and every boy who sees Xin Chen's photo lights up. But she was trapped in a sudden loneliness, her heart filled with bitterness, often sitting alone, unable to muster any enthusiasm for anything, and frequently tormented by nightmares.

  She knew her state was not right, so she tried to adjust and joined several clubs. However, acting, singing, and dancing all made her feel annoyed. Only hiking, where everyone was silent and walked forward in big strides, could make her body tired enough to fall asleep peacefully. She persisted with it.

  She doesn't reject others' pursuit, but each interaction doesn't last long. When those vigorous boys make further demands on her, she almost instinctively retreats, repeatedly withdrawing her hand like lightning, and avoiding others' approaching faces.

  Xin Kaiyu did not give her any sex education, but after she started developing physically, he let her read books on physiological hygiene and understood how to protect herself.

  Unfortunately, such books can't teach a teenage girl how to deal with emotions and integrate her physical and mental development. In her adolescence, she faced a path of careful control and restraint, she was used to his care and endurance, the turmoil caused by those kisses on her body was so vague and beautiful without impurities, only after he left did she know what it meant.

  Facing the enthusiasm from others, she couldn't muster up the same emotions. She wasn't afraid of losing that layer of protection, and she had enough common sense to know how to avoid accidents. But she couldn't convince herself to get intimate with someone to that extent.

  Realizing this, she despaired and thought: Will I never be able to get close to anyone again? Has that embrace already left a mark on me?

  This despair made her temper become more and more irritable, slightly dissatisfied with the situation would unilaterally cut off contact with others without explanation, completely ignoring the gaze of those around her. Gradually, the proud and aloof beauty Xincheng in the graphic design major gained a bad reputation outside, boys who couldn't pursue her kept their distance from her, girls who didn't like her gave her cold sideways glances, she was equally indifferent to it all.

  There are always new pursuers to accompany her to pass the time, but loneliness is a bit of a rogue, and after being forcibly dispelled, it can return with a vengeance when she least expects it.

  Most importantly, Lu Fei never thoroughly walked out of her life.

  Xin Chen refused the email handed over by Lu Fei, but Xin Di kept in touch with him and continued to share his short messages with everyone. The name fell into Xin Chen's ears unintentionally yet incessantly, stirring up waves in her heart every time, but she couldn't say: "Please don't mention him in front of me again."

  He had promised to return after graduation, and once this thought occurred to her, she couldn't persuade herself not to think about it anymore.

  A faint hope sprouted in her heart, which she didn't dare to touch but was always aware of, so she became more perfunctory towards others' enthusiasm.

  As the third year of university approached, the time for graduation was getting closer and closer. On this day, Xincheng finally couldn't hold back his curiosity and opened up Xindi's computer. Xindi had always been one to take the easy way out, so he had set his email account to automatically log in when the home computer started up. After hesitating for a long time, Xincheng clicked open the most recent email from Lufen. The content was very simple, talking about how his internship was going smoothly, the school's business course reform, emphasizing its combination with real-world business, allowing him to gain more practical experience and broaden his horizons. He personally was very interested in venture capital and felt that it was necessary for him to find a related job after graduation in order to better digest theoretical knowledge. At the end of the email, he said: "My father also thinks that I need to find a job in America, settle down, and accumulate experience in the field of financial investment. I am seriously considering this."

  She shut down her mailbox, realizing how futile and absurd that hope was. As distance accumulated over time and space, it would only continue to grow larger. You were still interacting with other boys, no matter how casual, so how could you expect him to remember the promise he had been rejected?

  The next day, Xin Chen attended the mountain climbing activity with dark circles under her eyes. She walked for over eight hours, and by the end, only she and three boys were left to persist. When they reached their destination, she finally stopped to rest. Her body was exhausted to the extreme, every muscle aching, and she collapsed to the ground. One of the boys who accompanied her gasped in surprise, "I didn't expect you had such potential, I almost couldn't keep up with you."

  She had joined the school's mountaineering club, an inter-school outdoor alliance, and finally the largest local outdoor BBS. She often made appointments with different classmates or net friends to go hiking, but today's high-intensity hike was her first time. Suddenly stopping, she only felt that her two legs lost their sense of feeling, unable to make even the slightest movement. She stretched out her hand to press and try to recover her mobility, but she was really exhausted, with weak movements in her hands.

  The boy looked up and couldn't help but laugh, shaking his head. He was also an outdoor sports enthusiast, so he naturally knew what was going on. He generously squatted down in front of her, using his powerful fingers to massage the tense calf muscles for her.

  After the sharp pain subsided, her muscles gradually relaxed. She looked at the boy's short and black hair in front of her and said softly: "Thank you, Li Yang."

  He lifted his head, a pair of bright eyes with a hint of smile, "It's really rare, you actually remember my name."

  Suddenly seeing such a bright and clean warm smile, Xincheng was momentarily stunned.

  Li Yang is from the northwest, with a typical Guanzhong appearance, tall and slender, with a regular face and slightly narrow eyes. He studies engineering at another local university, but loves philosophy. He hasn't been hiking for long.

  Two people sat together chatting, Xin Chen didn't say much, just listened, as if in thought, with a tired and sorrowful expression on his face, which moved Li Yang's sensitive heart.

  At the beginning of their conversation, Li Yang was filled with doubts. He had heard of Xin Chen's name before, but after actually meeting her, he found that this extremely quiet girl was not at all like the rumored arrogant and domineering person. On the hike, she didn't speak a word and didn't pay much attention to the boys' advances, always wearing a faint expression of disgust and distraction on her face, which shocked him greatly.

  They naturally started dating.

  Xin Chen sprained her ankle while mountain climbing, and Li Yang carried her down the mountain on his back. Every day, he rode a bicycle between the two schools to bring her water, buy food for her, and take her to physical therapy sessions. When Xin Kai Ming heard that his niece was injured and came to visit her, he saw Li Yang's actions and highly praised this reliable young man, thinking that Xin Chen had finally learned to recognize good people. The only uncertainty was that Li Yang was from another place, so it was unclear where he would find a job.

  Xin Chen laughed and said, "Uncle is thinking too far ahead." Xin Kai Ming spoke seriously: "You're all in your third year of university, you should learn to plan for the future. If this child intends to stay with you, Uncle will definitely help you."

  Xin Di mentioned at the dinner table that he had received an email from Lu Fei, who had already received an offer from a large venture capital firm and was moving to New York for work. The elders praised his excellence and boundless prospects, while Xin Chen mechanically shoveled rice into her mouth. No one noticed her silence; she had been quiet more and more often lately. Except for Xin Di's occasional sighs, everyone seemed to have grown accustomed to the quiet, grown-up Xin Chen.

  By the second semester of senior year, the realistic problem of finding a job became increasingly pressing. Li Yang was an only child, and his family strongly demanded that he return to work in the provincial capital city in Northwest China and pursue further studies. He held Xin Chen's hand and said: "Come with me, I promise to treat you well for life."

  This was the first time someone had mentioned a lifetime to Xin Chen, and the word burned towards her like physical passion, making her shrink back. She hesitated, "I'll think about it."

  Do I really have to follow someone to a strange city and start a whole new life? Maybe this is her only chance to get rid of the hopeless emotional entanglement, at least in Li Yang's arms, he is warm and considerate, without any invasive feeling, and she doesn't feel out of place either.

  Before she could mention it to her uncle, Xindi announced at dinner that he had received an email from Lu Fei, who would be returning to Beijing for work. Xinchen's heart began racing rapidly, and the hope that had shrunk to almost nothing suddenly inflated uncontrollably again.

  When Li Yang asked her again about her decision, she said: "I want to go work in Beijing."

  They parted ways in a bad mood. There were many campus couples who, like them, went their separate ways due to the upcoming graduation, and not a few people's feelings lasted longer, more pure and sincere, but the vows were scattered with the wind, relatively speaking, no one noticed their dull breakup.

  Xin Chen clutched a piece of paper with an address copied from Xin Di's email, standing under the apartment building, she looked up and suddenly felt nervous.

  She thought she had made sufficient preparations, after finding a good job, to appear calmly in front of that boy who had been away for a long time and tell him: "Hey, I'm also in Beijing now. I've grown up, no longer the reckless child; I've found a job, won't be a responsibility that others have to bear with resignation, can we start again?"

  It's been almost four years since they last saw each other, would he still be waiting for her? This thought suddenly popped into her mind, and her palms began to sweat, the note in her hand became damp and crumpled.

  Standing in the wind and sand, she was at a loss, not knowing how long she had been standing there. A black Audi Q7 stopped not far away from her. Through the sunglasses and the dusty air, she still recognized the person who got out of the car - it was Lu Fei. On this weekend morning, he was still impeccably dressed in a tie and a well-fitted dark gray suit that accentuated his slender figure like a jade tree swaying in the wind. This was the first time she had seen Lu Fei wearing a suit; his face wore a thoughtful expression, with his mouth tightly pursed, looking elegant and professional, yet also very unfamiliar, not matching up at all with the memory of him in her mind.

  Lu Fei didn't wear a scarf, he quickly locked the car door and strode towards the apartment building. Xin Chen stared blankly as he went in, unable to call out to him.

  Realizing her own cowardice, she felt a bit annoyed. After hesitating for a while, she walked to the apartment building and pressed the intercom of his room, her heart pounding as if it was going to jump out of her body.

  "Hello, who are you looking for?"

  She quickly pressed the # key and hung up the call.

  Standing again in the wind and sand, Xin Chen realized that another face had also appeared in Lu Fei's life, and the arms that once held her tightly might now belong to someone else.

  Although her face was covered with a professional anti-sand outdoor headscarf, the dense fabric was enough to filter out the ubiquitous sand dust in the air, but she could feel the rough, dry sensation of irritation in her throat. Her heart beat irregularly, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, cold sweat appeared on her back, and her hands and feet became icy.

  You're so self-willed, you're so arrogant, thinking that the position in his life will always be empty for you. After you've vented your childish anger, he'll open his arms again to welcome you back.

  So there's no possibility anymore? Maybe I should still go and greet him, maybe...

  All her thoughts seemed to be blown away by the wind, and she couldn't clear them up. She didn't know how long she had been standing there, but the wind and sand gradually subsided. Xincheng saw Lu Fei reappear at the entrance of the apartment building, walking towards her with a slender girl beside him, wearing a light gray coat with a scarf covering half of her face. The two walked and chatted as they passed by her side.

  As the girl passed by her side, she stopped and said: "Miss, the wind and sand are too big, standing outside for too long, be careful that your body can't bear it." Her voice was as soft and elegant as the one from the intercom just now.

  Xin Chen paused for a moment, saying: "Thank you, I'm waiting for someone." Her voice struggled to emerge from her lips, hoarse and raspy to the point of being unrecognizable even to herself.

  "You can give him a call."

  She did copy Lu Fei's phone number, but since they were so close, there was no need to make a call. Under the hood of her cloak, she smiled desperately and said, "Never mind, I probably won't be able to wait for him anymore, I'll just stand here for a bit longer before leaving."

  She still stood there, losing direction and ability to act. Yan Xuhui called her to save her, asking where she was and if he should come over to pick her up for lunch, she mechanically said no need.

  She put away her phone, walked to the front of his car, and wrote down her phone number on the dusty windshield with her finger. She said to herself, "Okay, let fate decide. If he sees it and contacts me, we'll meet again soon. If the sandstorm erases the writing or he sees it but doesn't plan to reconnect, then so be it."

  She was just about to write her name under the number when a voice sounded behind her: "Miss, can I help you with something?"

  Her hand stopped, of course, she was no longer his Xiao Chen, just a stranger with weird behavior. She suddenly waved her hand to wipe away what she had written, "Sorry, just bored and scribbled nonsense."

  She knew it was all over, she didn't have the right to be willful like when she was young, to be an uninvited guest, to take on responsibilities that others were unwilling to bear. Those eyes that had once gazed at her with such longing now merely swept past her without a second's pause, without any sign of recognition, and so it would remain.

  Leaving the windy and sandy Beijing, she boarded the train. Xin Chen lay on the hard sleeper's middle bunk, opening her eyes wide in the darkness, staring at the bed board of the upper bunk. The train was moving with a rattling sound, some passengers nearby were snoring, grinding their teeth, or talking nonsense in their sleep, while she endured this destined sleepless long night.

  She couldn't lie down anymore until the break of dawn, so she quietly got out of bed, tidied up her disheveled hair and sat on the window seat looking outside.

  The scenery is getting closer and closer to the destination, with the colors of Jiangnan spring day, pieces of rape flowers are golden and bright, scattered peach blossoms are blooming freely along the railway, small green ponds appear from time to time by the roadside, willows by the pond reveal new buds, wrapped in a light smoke-like green meaning, which is completely different from what she saw in Beijing for days - bare trees and desolate winter with sand and dust everywhere.

  She propped her cheek with her hand, gazing intently out the window, starting to think seriously for the first time about how she should live from now on. She attended a third-rate university, where her coursework was just going through the motions, but fortunately, she had a part-time job as a print model, and before getting tired of posing for photos, she began to get hands-on experience with graphic design and image processing, developing some decent skills. However, compared to Xin Di, she seemed too mediocre.

  Xin Di has always been an outstanding student, winning a national award in her junior year and becoming a campus celebrity. After graduation, several clothing companies competed to recruit her. She had clear goals, worked hard, and achieved remarkable results, getting promoted and raising her salary along the way. She was rising to prominence in her field. Li Xiang, who had initially doubted her professional choices, now took pride in her. As for Xin Chen's unimpressive diploma and poor record of constantly changing boyfriends during college, she looked down on them even more.

  Returning to her hometown, she couldn't help but smile wryly, not because of the disdain from the aunt she had expected, but rather because she had a few regrets about herself. She told herself that her youth was almost wasted in confusion, resentment and waiting, and that she should wake up now and thoroughly adapt to life without him. Maybe following her uncle's arrangement, doing a down-to-earth job, and not having those absurd fantasies, would be the right path.

  However, the monotony of diligent work was also very real. Xin Chen mechanically typed documents on her computer, doubting her choices while telling herself that she couldn't give up easily, or else she wouldn't be able to account for herself to her uncle, let alone to herself.

  Her determination was fragile, and when she heard that Lu Fei had to come back, she chose to give up. She hadn't adjusted her mindset, and couldn't bear to meet Lu Fei again in such a dull life. She knew she would lose control, expose her weakness, and accept his sympathetic gaze - all of which were unbearable for her.

  She chose to go to Qinling, carrying 25 kilograms of equipment, and did long-distance heavy hiking for the first time.

  Xin Chen started hiking from her freshman year, initially just wanting to use physical exhaustion to get rid of the turmoil in her heart and seek a good night's sleep. Later, she began to slowly appreciate the beautiful scenery along the way. It wasn't until the day she stood with her companions at the summit of a certain mountain in the Taibai Mountain Range that she truly felt the immense impact of being surrounded by breathtaking views that language could not describe.

  Standing against the wind, overlooking the sea of clouds, the mountain breeze whistling past her ears, she realized that in the face of such a vast and beautiful natural scenery, all troubles and worries seemed insignificant and negligible. If she were to stay confined in that old office, facing the gloomy superiors and colleagues, handling the tedious files, she would only become more indulged in the memories of the past, and more self-pitying.

  Sitting in the campsite at night, gazing up at the sky, the stars seem within reach. She suddenly recalls a quote from Kant that Li Yang, who loves philosophy, once told her during an outdoor camping trip: "Two things fill my mind with ever-increasing wonder and awe - the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me."

  She had never been interested in exploring metaphysical things, and when Li Yang mentioned these things, she was as usual absent-minded. But at this moment, sitting under the deep blue sky like a pavilion, basking in the pure and clear light that is unimaginable in the city, she felt that she at least partially understood the spirit of Li Yang's repeated quotes.

  Lin Leqing sat down beside her and asked what she was thinking about. She smiled, "Thinking about my life."

  Lin Leqing burst out laughing and then said seriously: "You've been silent all along, I thought the problem you were thinking about must be profound, and indeed it is."

  In the hospital in Xi'an, when Xincheng opened her eyes, it was already midnight. The lights in the ward were dim, and she realized that after narrowly escaping death, the young man who refused to give up on her solo escape lay quietly beside her bed, breathing evenly and steadily.

  Lin Leqing was still alive and well, she too was still living, the past dust had already passed, she smiled at the pale white ceiling.

  She clearly knew that from now on, what kind of memories, what kind of situation, and what kind of people she would face calmly, no longer needing to escape in such a flurry. Without the love she had been yearning for, it was actually not important. If she could continue living, then she must strive to choose a good way to live, not betraying the beautiful scenery and emotions she had once felt.

  Xin Chen returned from Xi'an and started looking for a job on her own. At first, she took on part-time work to earn some extra money during her free time. After gaining a stable source of design clients, she quit her job to become a SOHO (Small Office/Home Office) worker, focusing solely on making money. Her diligent work ethic and low-key lifestyle surprised even the elderly neighbors.

  Xin Kaiming made the introduction, and introduced Feng Yian to her. It was her first blind date, she rushed to the agreed location, saw that the person sitting there was a neatly dressed, clean and refreshing man, and let out a sigh of relief, but Feng Yian was indeed stunned.

  He has always been very self-respecting and demanding, and is not willing to get to know girls in this way. He only came because his parents urged him to, arriving five minutes early, sitting bored and without any expectations, planning to politely eat a meal and leave. However, at the appointed time, Xincheng walked in front of him, tall and slender, with a subtle makeup look, her face young and beautiful, calm and bright eyes, simple clothing, elegant manners, and fell into his critical eyes, but he couldn't find any fault.

  Talking about their respective work and hobbies, Feng Yian enjoys photography in his spare time, while Xin Chen has a lot of insights into image processing, speaking humorously, and there are many topics to discuss.

  Feng Yi'an suddenly felt a sense of fate, thinking that he had won the lottery. He quickly entered pursuit mode, and Xin Chen did not refuse, as their elders wished, they started dating.

  This girl has almost no shortcomings - except that she is a bit cold. After meeting her several times, Feng Yi'an came to this conclusion.

  Xin Chen doesn't count as a cold beauty, when she meets him and he tells jokes, her reaction is quick-witted, laughing in time, absolutely understanding the humor, not just pretending to be polite; at gatherings with friends, she won't sit alone on one side looking superior, when it's time to drink, she drinks, when it's time to sing, she sings, blending in perfectly; Feng Yi An has also been through many romantic experiences, having many tricks up his sleeve on dates, very good at creating a romantic atmosphere, Xin Chen's reactions may not be passionate, but nor are they cold and unenthusiastic, even the most romantic programs only bring her appreciation, no surprise.

  Her entire demeanor can be summed up as moderate, and Feng Yi'an could see that the moderation was not due to intentional control, she almost naturally maintained a subtle distance with everyone and everything that was difficult to detect. As her boyfriend, he didn't dare say that he had entered within that distance either.

  Just as things were going well, Feng Yi'an suddenly hesitated, while Xin Chen seemed to be completely unaware of his hesitation. He didn't call her, and she wouldn't take the initiative to call him; after he disappeared for a week or two and suddenly appeared again, she didn't ask why, but between her expressions, there was a hint of understanding.

  After a few rounds, Feng Yi'an realized that he couldn't break through the intangible small space she had drawn for herself. He felt that a girl with such an expression must have a complicated past love history. Thinking that such calmness and composure were honed by other men, his heart had an indescribable flavor.

  He was reluctant to retreat at this point; if he continued, he had a vague sense of foreboding.

  Before he could think clearly, Xin Chen followed her friend to Xinjiang. When she received his call questioning why she hadn't informed him, she said calmly: "Reporting is mutual, I thought you would understand."

  He pondered over this sentence: Is it a revenge for his own intentional vagueness? Is it a statement of fact, or is there some implication behind it?

  Xin Chen didn't take the usual tourist route, but instead went on a backpacking trip with a hint of self-torture. Half a month later, she returned from Xinjiang and didn't even call him to report back. Feng Yi'an couldn't sit still anymore, he thought that rather than struggling like this, it's better to yield to someone who is as steady as a mountain. Moreover, he comforted himself that only by entering the mountains can one find treasure.

  Xin Chen, who opened the door for him, looked frail and exhausted, his voice weak and toneless. After saying a few words to him, he leaned back on the soft couch, rubbing his temples and said: "I've been working non-stop since I got back from Xinjiang, rushing to finish this design, and now I really can't hold on anymore."

  "Go sleep for a while."

  "I'm cooking porridge, it'll probably take another half hour before it's done, I don't dare sleep."

  "I'll keep an eye on things for you, go lie down and get a good rest."

  Xin Chen hesitated for a moment, and couldn't overcome his fatigue, "Alright then, thank you."

  She entered the bedroom, he walked into the open kitchen, and saw that the fire on the gas stove had been turned down to a minimum. The chicken porridge in the clay pot was simmering gently, emitting a fragrant aroma. He took a chair and sat by the balcony door to read a book. Xincheng's collection wasn't extensive, with only a few esoteric philosophy books on the shelf, along with travel magazines, hiking guides, and photography editing materials. He casually picked up a travelogue and felt his heart calm down, as if all his worries from the past few days had suddenly disappeared.

  Xin Chen slept for two hours and came out, smiling and saying she was woken up by hunger. She served two bowls of porridge and invited him to eat together. The porridge she cooked was quite rich in content, with added chicken shreds, mushrooms, and dried scallops, making it taste delicious. He ate very fragrantly, but her spirit had not recovered, and her appetite was poor, eating with her head down and small mouthfuls. Sitting on the high stool opposite the narrow cooking platform, he could clearly see that her hair was tied up, revealing a section of her nape. She went out for a while, and her face got a bit darker, but that part was still snow-white, with delicate, smooth skin texture, looking slender and fragile, weak enough to move his heart.

  Xin Chen looked up and saw the concern in his eyes, slightly surprised, just about to speak, he spoke first.

  "Chen, I've recently been on vacation, let's go live by the sea for a few days, you can also take a good rest."

  Xin Chen had been to many places, but she never allowed herself to go to the seaside. Growing up in an inland city by the river, she had never seen the sea. She looked distracted for a moment, then suddenly nodded, "Okay."

  Feng Yi'an found his judgment was way off the mark.

  Two people had dinner at a seaside hotel's lawn barbecue, drinking and watching a band from Mexico perform. The lead singer, a man with a typical Latin face, was handsome to the point of being breathtaking. He sang old love songs with deep feeling, and when he finished, he walked into the crowd, making eye contact with each woman, some of whom blushed bright red while others avoided his gaze. When he came to Xincheng's side, she just smiled calmly and looked him straight in the eye, letting him take her hand and sing a song to her before kissing it and releasing it. She applauded with a smile, completely at ease.

  This scene made Feng's emotions fluctuate, both excited and with a hint of jealousy. Returning to the seaside room, he came out of the shower and saw her staring at the dark sea outside the window, lost in thought. He hugged her, pressed her against the window, kissed her, and at the same time inserted his hand into her clothes, she did not resist at all.

  However, he thought that the girl who had been through a lot and was experienced, when he entered her, let out a painful * sound from her tightly bitten lips, drowned out by the sound of waves crashing outside the window. Her fingers were tightly clasped on the bed sheet, her body stiff and her face twisted, so awkward, so tense.

  Her first time.

  Realizing this, he was overjoyed and kissed her lips with dense tooth marks and bleeding threads, whispering to her: "I love you."

  Xin Chen slightly tilted his head, loosened his grip on the bed sheet and moved his hand to his back.

  Standing in this empty house that almost echoes, Xincheng bitterly smiled and said, "Sorry, Yi An, I don't know what a man's virginity complex is about. I can only honestly tell you that you were a very considerate boyfriend back then, but the first time for me was just an inevitable stage of life. I don't regret being with you, but that's not a reason for me to linger and tolerate a relationship that has already fallen apart."

  "If I'm not mistaken, you once had an unforgettable romance and there's always been someone in your heart, right?"

  "Do we have to settle the old accounts bit by bit? Who doesn't have some past events. Xincheng was somewhat impatient, "At my age, physical virgins are relatively easy to encounter, but psychological virgins are probably very rare, so it's meaningless to be so calculating."

  Feng Yi'an raised an eyebrow, "For a while now, I've been persuading myself that if I really can't forget you, then why bother struggling with myself. I think you're just not willing to give your whole heart, but you don't reject happiness, nor do you refuse other people's care, and you're not stubbornly insisting on sacrificing yourself for a past love. Alright then, I'll take a step back too, let's start anew and try to get along well."

  Xin Chen was slightly surprised, she really didn't expect that after her parents strongly opposed and questioned her feelings, Feng Yi'an would still make this suggestion. She remained silent for a long time without speaking, this silence made Feng Yi'an's heart turn cold, he forced himself to laugh coldly: "You're willing to hesitate for so long before refusing me, you've already given me a lot of face."

  "Yi An, your expectations for emotions are higher than mine. Emotions like mine that are not firm and clear cannot withstand your repeated scrutiny and weighing. If I were to agree with you, I'm afraid I would still disappoint you in the future." She said softly, "And to be honest, I don't want to face opposition from your parents either. It's too tiring, it consumes too much energy and self-respect, it's not suitable for me."

  Feng Yi'an fell silent for a moment, "Then tell me, how do you plan on living from now on?"

  "You also see that this side is going to be demolished, I'll finish my work and go live with my father for a while, probably won't come back in the short term. I plan to visit several places I've wanted to go to, then find a suitable city to settle down, find a decent job, plant some flowers, find a boyfriend who is easy-going and pleasant to be around, have neighbors who nod and greet each other when they see each other, and occasionally go hiking with friends in the mountains. That would be great."

  "Do you remember the house I showed you last time? Originally, I thought I could provide that kind of life for you."

  Feng Yi'an once drove with Xin Chen through a certain section of the city center, pointing to an apartment and telling her that his parents had already bought and renovated a house for him there, waiting for him to settle down and get married. He suddenly turned to Xin Chen, half-jokingly smiling, "Do you like this area?"

  "Not bad, living and transportation are very convenient."

  "The property management here is not bad, and the security measures are also good. When decorating, I specifically asked them not to enclose the south-facing balcony, the area is not small, can plant some flowers, when the weather is good, put a chair to read books, or move the laptop out to work is not bad."

  Xin Chen smiled, "Yeah, I don't like it when the balcony is sealed up tight either. Every time I see the anti-theft netting on my own home, I feel like it's an eyesore."

  That was the most harmonious period of their relationship after returning from the seaside. Feng Yi'an was considerate to her in every way, and they vaguely mentioned marriage for the first time. He tentatively said it, she casually responded, both seemingly unintentional, yet with a hint of seriousness.

  Thinking of the past, Xin Chen could only sigh, "I hope your next girlfriend is more suitable for you than I am. You should have a relationship that has your parents' blessing and doesn't make you hesitate."

  Feng Yi'an sneered, "Indeed, your emotions are extremely flexible. However, congratulating me so generously, don't you think it's another kind of hurt to me? We probably won't even be able to be friends when we meet again, so there's no need to say goodbye. Take care of yourself, I'll leave first."