Intern’s Log: Bandit, We Have a Time Crunch (And Also, Your Bears Are Angry)

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I am now responsible for solving both interspecies warfare and a bear rebellion.)

  So.

  I am now the lead scientist for a stolen Russian uplift lab, despite not being a scientist, Russian, or remotely qualified for this.

  Bandit has given me one job:

  ? Create him the perfect genetically enhanced raccoon wife.

  BUT.

  While Bandit is busy micromanaging his personal dating experiment, he has failed to realize a much bigger problem brewing right under his nose.

  The bears.

  The very large, very uplifted, very ARMED bears.

  And guess what?

  The Russians never made any female ursines.

  That’s right.

  We are sitting on two thousand grumpy, hyper-intelligent, battle-trained, extremely frustrated bears who have just now realized that their creators never considered their long-term social needs.

  And if we do not solve this problem immediately, we are about to have a full-blown bear mutiny on our hands.

  Phase One: The Conversation That Ended My Will to Live

  I marched straight into Bandit’s stolen command room, ignoring the fact that his "office" was a former Russian general’s quarters, now covered in stolen NATO patches and crude raccoon artwork.

  "Bandit." I said, voice clipped, because I am DONE playing nice.

  He looked up from a blueprint labeled "The Ultimate Wife Project?."

  "Ah, Reynolds! Come to discuss the details of my queen’s genetic perfection?"

  "No."

  "Hmm?"

  I slapped a stack of reports onto his desk.

  "You might want to think about what happens when TWO THOUSAND extremely grumpy, hyper-intelligent bears realize they’re never getting laid."

  Phase Two: Bandit Realizes He’s Screwed

  Bandit froze.

  Then slowly, very slowly, picked up the top page.

  I watched as his smug expression morphed into something that could only be described as "deeply troubled math calculations."

  "They…" he trailed off, reading. "They never made any… female bears?"

  "Nope."

  "Not even one?"

  A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  "Not. One."

  Bandit stared at the ceiling, processing.

  "So what you’re saying is…"

  "Bandit, I am saying that you are the warlord of a nation of pissed-off, sexually frustrated supersoldier bears, and if you do not solve this problem IMMEDIATELY, we are all going to die in a bear uprising."

  A long, painful pause.

  Then Bandit carefully put down the report.

  "…Right. Yes. Of course. Just as I planned."

  HE DID NOT PLAN FOR THIS.

  Phase Three: The Problems Keep Getting Worse

  ? Bandit is now realizing the biological oversight of his entire army.

  ? The bears are beginning to ask "uncomfortable questions" about their future.

  ? If they get mad enough, they could decide that Bandit is an incompetent leader.

  ? Bandit, in his infinite wisdom, did not prepare for bear civil unrest.

  And the worst part?

  We are on a deadline.

  Because the eldritch horrors in space?

  Yeah.

  They aren’t going to wait for us to figure out bear dating logistics.

  Phase Four: Bandit’s So-Called Solution

  Bandit, ever the master strategist, sat back in his chair, steepled his fingers, and said:

  "We must act swiftly and decisively."

  "Oh? You have a plan?" I asked, against my better judgment.

  He smirked. The worst kind of smirk.

  "Yes. I will do what I do best."

  Oh no.

  "Reynolds, it’s time…"

  "Don’t say it."

  "…to steal a solution."

  GOD DAMN IT, BANDIT.

  Phase Five: The Part Where I Hate My Life

  So now, in addition to being forced to run a stolen genetics lab to create Bandit’s ideal wife, I am also tasked with figuring out a way to introduce female bears into this population before we get overthrown by an uprising of resentful ursine super-soldiers.

  And Bandit?

  Bandit has decided that the "best solution" is to steal female bears from somewhere else.

  Where?

  He has not specified.

  How?

  "Reynolds, details."

  Is this going to end horribly?

  Yes. Absolutely yes.

  Final Thoughts (I Am Losing My Mind)

  ? Bandit’s raccoons are not uplifted, but his bears are.

  ? The Russian scientists never thought about bear reproduction.

  ? Now, we are sitting on two thousand emotionally and biologically distressed bears who are just now realizing what they’ve lost.

  ? Bandit is now planning a "bear acquisition mission."

  ? I am somehow the only voice of reason in this nightmare.

  I don’t know how this ends.

  But I do know this—

  If I live through this?

  I am demanding a raise.

  End Log.