Intern’s Log: Divine Intervention Shouldn’t Come in the Form of a Psychotic Cat

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I think I just witnessed the beginning of a war.)

  So, when a man prays for divine intervention, he usually expects something subtle.

  A phone call that interrupts dinner.

  A fire alarm conveniently going off.

  Maybe even a sudden and dramatic blackout.

  What he does not expect—

  What he can never prepare for—

  Is for a psychotic, alien-hunting super-cat to crash through the front door in a stolen van, screaming about an intergalactic war.

  And yet—

  Here we are.

  Phase One: My Date Was Going So Well

  So there I was, at the dinner of doom, seated across from Eleanor, the most dangerously competent woman I have ever met, while my mother watched us like a satisfied tactician overseeing a battle she had already won.

  And you know what?

  It was going… surprisingly well.

  ? Eleanor had just hit me with a well-placed smirk.

  ? My mother was practically glowing.

  ? The conversation was smooth, casual, and—dare I say—flirtatious.

  For the first time in weeks, I wasn’t thinking about genetically engineered dog soldiers, or raccoon warlords, or alien cover-ups.

  I was relaxing.

  And that’s when—

  Mittens happened.

  Phase Two: The Van. The Cat. The Cat People.

  It started with the sound of tires screeching.

  Then, the deep, guttural growl of an overworked engine.

  Then, the crash of something—**no, multiple somethings—**smashing through my mother’s fence.

  I barely had time to react before the entire front door was kicked open and a black and red van skidded to a halt on the front lawn.

  And stepping out of the driver’s seat—

  Dressed in stolen military gear, aviator sunglasses, and a look of pure, unhinged rage—

  Was Mittens.

  And behind him?

  A van full of cat-people.

  Phase Three: Mittens Declares War (Again)

  "HUMANS!" Mittens bellowed, tail lashing. "EARTH IS UNDER ATTACK."

  Silence.

  Complete silence.

  My mother’s jaw dropped.

  Eleanor raised a single eyebrow.

  Vicky—**who I now realize was hiding in the bushes the entire time—**let out the softest, most amused chuckle.

  And I?

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  I just closed my eyes and wished for death.

  Phase Four: The Revelation of Absolute Madness

  "They are HERE!" Mittens continued, dramatically pointing at the sky. "The Melmacian Scourge has INFILTRATED YOUR WORLD, and WE are the last line of defense!"

  The cat-people behind him all nodded solemnly.

  "We have SEEN THE SIGNS! The abductions! The stolen pets! The classified research facilities tampering with interdimensional gateways! And do you know WHO is behind it?!"

  I wanted to scream “YES, IT’S YOU, MITTENS.”

  But I didn’t get the chance.

  Because that’s when Mittens turned, locked eyes with Eleanor, and—

  Oh. No.

  "YOU." Mittens hissed. "You look like you know something."

  I WAS GOING TO DIE.

  Phase Five: The Unexpected Turn

  To my horror, Eleanor did not flinch.

  She did not laugh.

  She did not question it.

  She did not look at me for help.

  No.

  She simply folded her hands neatly, gave Mittens a slow, knowing smile, and said:

  "Go on."

  EXCUSE ME?!

  Phase Six: This Is No Longer My Life

  At this point, the situation had fully derailed.

  ? Mittens was ranting about ALF.

  ? The cat-people were solemnly nodding along like this was a TED Talk.

  ? My mother, bless her, was clutching a rosary and whispering prayers.

  ? Eleanor was asking VERY SPECIFIC questions, which deeply concerned me.

  ? And Vicky?

  Vicky was just watching.

  Tail flicking.

  Expression unreadable.

  Like she knew exactly where this was going and was just enjoying the show.

  Phase Seven: The Worst Realization of All

  At some point, I just… gave up.

  I let the madness wash over me like a tidal wave, drowning in the reality that this—this absolute train wreck of a situation—was now my life.

  And then it hit me.

  Mittens wasn’t here by accident.

  He knew where I was.

  He came looking for me.

  Which means—

  Someone told him.

  And as that horrifying truth settled into my soul, I turned slowly—dread pooling in my stomach.

  And there she was.

  Vicky.

  Smiling.

  Final Thoughts (I No Longer Have Control Over Anything)

  ? Mittens has declared war on ALF.

  ? He has an entire van of cat-people who believe him.

  ? Eleanor might also believe him.

  ? Vicky absolutely orchestrated this.

  ? My mother is still trying to process reality.

  ? I am questioning every choice I have ever made.

  There is no escape.

  Not from my job.

  Not from my mother.

  And definitely not from the genetically-engineered chaos creatures that have decided I am somehow important to their plans.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  Vicky is playing the longest game.

  And I am already too far in to walk away.

  End Log.