As the day winds down, I set up my makeshift bed on the floor, but after this morning’s extended nap, sleep’s not coming easy. Like everyone else, Dad had really gotten into The Da Vinci Code and had bought the unabridged audiobook on CD. I heard snippets when he was driving, and had been interested enough to rip it to my iTunes.
I’d never read a lot of fiction, but this audiobook is now the only Earth fiction that I have access to. I blink twice, scroll through until I find it, and fire it up. I’m sure it’s fascinating, or so many people wouldn’t have loved it, but the narrator’s voice is so smooth that, within minutes of starting it, I’m lost in sleep.
I wake early the next morning, feeling well-rested. My body is buzzing with restless energy, and I’m the sort of person who has to do something when I’m feeling charged up.
After making my bed, I move to the center of the room and, without thinking about it, launch into a set of jumping jacks. It’s hard to find a sillier and more basic exercise, but it’s been years since I’ve been able to do them, so I might as well enjoy my legs’ ability to get my heart rate up. Nothing’s gonna get me through the day better than exercise.
From there, I move on to alternating sets of push-ups and squats. I’ve never tested this astral body of mine this way, and I’ve gotta say, I’m stronger than expected. I feel like I could keep going for hours.
It’s awkward exercising without music, but the idea of dance music makes my stomach queasy. I know that I’m the one who died, but it feels like I’ve just been to a funeral. A dance party after a funeral is just wrong.
The cardio doesn’t make me happy, but it does help me feel a little less sad.
I took a shower after working out and have to say the shower in this world is going a long way towards making me feel fully alive again. It doesn’t so much spray down on you, but mists around from every direction. Then, as if it’s psychic, it pours hard against my skin after I’ve lathered up, washing away all soapy residue. I let it run a little longer than necessary, drinking in that alternating current between soft caress and pounding intensity.
After the shower, I towel off and return to my room. They’ve left me a closet full of royal garb I could change into, but that’s not really my taste. I close my eyes, focus on my third eye, and feel a gentle throb. I picture the outfit I want to wear, and as I do, my third eye pulses, my mind’s image of the clothes wavers, and vanishes. Suddenly, I’m no longer nude.
I open my eyes, look down, and it’s just like I imagined: a sick dark green Adidas track suit. Clothes like these are just another small step in reclaiming my life.
No sooner am I dressed than Gloria knocks and enters with breakfast. Again, I insist we eat together, and she’s getting more comfortable around me. We talk about an upcoming royal ball that’s got all the castle buzzing.
“You should see Princess Tanza’s gown,” she says in an awed tone.
“I can only imagine,” I reply, and I am indeed imagining… Her skin, her smile, her lips; my heart quickens at the memory. Yeah, I’m not ready for romance, but it would be nice to reconnect.
“You know, I think I’m ready to see her again,” I say between bites of spongy fish. “Who should I contact to make that happen?”
“Oh, I’m afraid you won’t be able to today, JayMay. She’s with her fiancé all day.”
My stomach drops, and suddenly I don’t want to take another bite.
“What? Fiancé?” I rise to my feet and slam my hands down on the table. Gloria trembles at my sudden outburst.
“Ye-yes M’lady… Prince Adro from the neighboring kingdom. They’ve been betrothed since birth.”
“But you said that anyone could love whoever they want, right? Without concern about gender? Then why is she marrying a prince?”
“Well, the royal lineage, there have to be heirs,” she explains. Of course, it works that way, so why does it bother me this much?
“Oh God, have I fallen for a taken woman?” I ask as I collapse into my chair.
“Oh, you like the princess?!” Gloria leans closer, her eyes wide with amazement. She quickly stifles her reaction and sits back, still attentive.
“No, not really… I mean, I don’t know yet. But the spark between us is undeniable. God damn it, that kiss… I’d never have kissed her if I’d known she was engaged.”
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“Kiss? Oh, I can picture it clearly!” She sighs, lost in some childlike dream of True Love, as if Tanza and I were Bennifer or something.
“Well, stop picturing it, because it’s not happening again,” I insist with a pout.
“But the princess’s marriage wouldn’t interfere with you and her. It has nothing to do with love. Why, you’re a knight of the kingdom, and there’s no purer love than that between knights and queens.”
“Look, I don’t want to be anyone’s piece on the side!” I say more sharply than I’d intended. “Plus, my life is a mess right now, and there’s no room for romance anyways,” I say, standing again.
“No, m’lady, please don’t go. You haven’t finished your breakfast yet.” She rises and chases after me.
“Look, this is all too much right now. I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to make a home here. I’ve got the whole cosmos to explore!” And I’m out the door before she can protest further.
I leave my room for the first time since entering it. The castle’s a maze and a half, but the attendants and guards are more than happy to help their illustrious guest, and soon I’m standing on a parapet, the wind blowing through my short hair as I stare out at the ocean.
The space below my navel that had once attached to the silver cord aches. For a second, I’m afraid to make the change, but screw this — I’m stronger than fear!
I take a few steps back and then run towards the edge of the parapet, doing a running jump over the edge. The guards scream in shock, but I pay no attention to their shouts.
My tracksuit dissolves in a burst of silver astral light. I’m in free fall, emphasis on the free! My spine lengthens, my arms shrink, my nose is now a snout, and great wings tear free from my shoulder blades.
I start flapping hard against the wind, and I’m no longer falling, I’m flying! This is how it’s meant to be!
Music is still a step too far, but the fresh air in my nose and the wind beneath my wings? That’s exhilarating enough.
I flap harder and harder, soaring higher and higher above the castle, until it’s little more than a child’s toy in the distance; far too small to worry about.
I’m not ready for love, so who cares about any Prince Adro? Once I fly high enough, I’m sure I’ll forget even his name!
I reach the outer limits of the atmosphere, and gravity grips me cold and tight, trying to pull me back to the ground. But gravity, like a prince, means nothing to me! I flap harder against its grip and burst free into the open cosmos!
This is what I’m made for! This is why I came to the astral realm in the first place!
Lucy made a mistake when she pushed me to enter this vast landscape of Bhuman. There’s too much confusion here, but I can cross the Great Yawning Void, and the details will fade away. There, I’ll lose myself in the simplicity until the time comes to go back even further. When I return to that first world, there’ll be no up, no down; no duality of any type. And there’ll certainly be no death!
But the further I soar out through the stars, I’m at a loss… I can’t find it! No matter where I look, the entry to the Great Yawning Void is nowhere to be found.
This can’t be! It has to be around here somewhere. I just haven’t looked hard enough.
Past a hundred suns I search, deeper and deeper through the vast space of Bhuman, and there, in the distance, within a coruscating nebula, I see it! It’s just a shimmer, but the way it both receives and steals the light around it—that’s got to be it.
I fly towards it, flapping my great leathery wings in the void of space, and as I draw closer, the gateway grows larger and larger!
This is it! Freedom!
I fly towards the entry, but the universe stops as my body slams against an invisible barrier!
That’s no problem; I just have to push harder and harder until I break through to the other side.
But no matter how hard I try, I keep getting pressed back further and further.
I don’t know how long I’ve tried, but my wings ache, and my lungs ache with exertion.
My heart drops, and I realize that I’ve always descended through the Great Yawning Void to Bhuman, but never ascended it. I’d assumed it’d be no problem, but no… I don’t think it’s possible.
Lucy would know. She’s always had a better grip on the mechanics of this stuff than me.
Oh God, Lucy… It’s not her knowledge that I need most; it’s her friendship, her kindness, the fact that she’s known me for more than three days…
I turn my back from the cosmic entryway, flying as fast as I can. I have to get away. With the cosmic winds under my wings, I roar with all my might, and this psychic scream tears through even the silence of space.