Kris:

  The world faded out of existence as Kris began her assisted breakthrough.

  From what had been described to her, a breakthrough was a sort of revelation that helped to reinforce some aspect of a person. The first breakthrough was largely about the self. The barrier between qi, or refined mana, being used to empower a mortal body. In the first realm, a person would internalize their sense of self and refine until they’d achieved the critical mass that their body could possess. Passing that barrier into the second realm would allow them to externalize, affecting the world beyond themselves in supernatural ways.

  All Kris had to do was properly affirm who she was.

  In theory, at least, she would confront the last of her doubts and fears before rising above her limits.

  The world resolved itself into a classroom. Desks sat empty in neat rows while she glanced around from the front and centermost of the students’ seats. Only one sound filled the air—a faint scritching of pen on paper from the teacher’s desk.

  The person holding the pen was… her. Another Kris, head down and intently writing away.

  Some sort of gravitas filled the air, and she found herself keeping quiet, waiting for the reflection of herself to finish the task before her.

  Her copy looked up after a few minutes, then glanced at her before flicking her fingers in a shooing motion.

  Then, the world shifted to the Emerald, where she’d gone shopping with Mari and Anise.

  “Well,” a familiar voice said, sounding resentful. “Are you happy?”

  Kris blinked at Mari, uncertain of the abject misery in that tone of voice.

  “Does your life make you feel fulfilled? You’ve always paraded around like you’re better than everyone, even when you aren’t. Then you latched onto the person you knew for a fact was beneath you, all to stick close to me, the one you could always feel like a star compared to.

  “You got desperate when I agreed to that procedure. ‘What if pitiful little Mari actually became someone talented and successful? What if you lost the one person you could always feel superior to?’ How does it feel for your own mother to take a liking to the person you were using to feel good about yourself? She loves me more than you, now.”

  Mari strode around her, words striking like lightning.

  “Poor, weak princess. Struggling to keep her glory. Outshined by the person she thought was at the bottom of the pecking order. A genius? Did you think telling yourself that would make it real?”

  The world shifted again, this time to her mother’s office in the Citadel.

  “I am disappointed, Krisanine. I asked you to let me know if things grew too severe at school. Why did you never tell me how the others were treating the humans? They are all strategic assets and you have risked everything by allowing their bitterness and resentment to fester.” Karin’s rebuke threatened to tear into her skin like a lash.

  “Just what were those useless dreams of yours worth? Nothing, that is what. You espoused such lofty goals, but did nothing to achieve them.”

  The world shifted another time. A starry sky without a moon in sight. A faceless man’s voice from the darkness scathed her body, leaving Kris feeling raw.

  “Well, look what we have here. A murderer. Oh how she wants to help people. Save everyone, right? Fuck off with your sanctimonious drivel. You didn’t even hesitate. You killed people like it was nothing. And you could do it again. You know it, deep down. You’d do it with your bare hands, even. Just to feel the warm, sticky blood between your fingers. They’ll never be clean again.”

  The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

  The voice in the night laughed, then.

  Kris was on her knees. She didn’t even know when it had started, but tears were on her cheeks, still flowing. Nobody was a worse critic than themselves, and every word she’d just heard was a barb deep inside her heart.

  Worst, though, was the rage. A rage she fought desperately to contain. She hated the words she was hearing, and that part of her wanted off the leash to fight back and wound the speakers until they stopped talking.

  But she fought the reaction. She had to.

  It wasn’t Mari, or her mother, or that bandit in the night. Not really. Each voice had been herself. Her own critiques given form. The rage she felt was self-loathing. It would be the end of her if she gave in to that bottomless pit of self-hatred.

  She didn’t wipe at her tears. She didn’t stand up. Emotion was a part of herself that she wouldn’t deny.

  Kris forced the rage out first. It took a monumental effort to do so, but she refused to live by blind anger. She vehemently denied that self-harm.

  Then she turned up to face the echoing, starlit night.

  “I mourn for those I killed. I always will. But I refuse to be held back from what I need to do in order to survive just because I won’t take a life. I won’t become a monster who kills without feeling, but I won’t sacrifice myself either. I know I can’t strike a perfect balance, but I’ll trust myself to make the right choices when the time comes.”

  “More like you’ll trust her. Don’t ever forget us, murderer.” Then the voice and night faded. That battle clearly wasn’t over forever, but it was enough to take the first step.

  Kris was in her mother’s office again.

  “I won’t always make the right choices, mom. I thought I could handle it all without involving you. Stars, you knew what was happening. You chose to let me sink or swim on my own, even when you knew I couldn’t handle it. I learned to put my best foot forward in everything I tried, and you supported from the shadows every step of the way. You taught me how to live my life, and I’ve learned that I won’t always succeed. I learned that it’s still worth the effort.”

  Karin smiled. “Clever as always. Make me proud.”

  “I might. Or I might not. But I think you’ll be proud of me for trying, not just for succeeding.”

  Perhaps that battle also wasn’t won in its entirety. She felt just a little bit stronger than before, though. Another step forward.

  The world shifted. Before the Emerald could form around her, Kris stomped her foot so hard that the building shattered.

  “Fuck this place!” Kris screamed, tears still rolling down her face. “Fuck what it did to her! I was not the best friend I could be. I chose not to sacrifice my own reputation to protect her.”

  Mari glowered at her from a few feet away in the wreckage. “Of course not. Too busy being the city’s adored princess to—”

  Kris shouted over the top of the apparition of her lover. “I love you! Not because it made me feel good to look down on you or anyone else. It’s because I saw you suffering, but you still gave what little you had to help your friends. You’re so kind. So warm. Stars, I didn’t look down on you. I looked up to you! You are my star, Mari. The one who deserves all the useless praise everyone always showered on me.”

  The strength in her incorporeal form fled with every shouted word. Kris stumbled on weak legs towards Mari. The raven-haired girl didn’t move a muscle as Kris embraced her, then sobbed into the apparition’s shoulder.

  Finally, after a long few minutes, hands wrapped around her and patted her on the back.

  “You should try saying those words to her, you know?” Mari whispered into her ear.

  Kris nodded, then withdrew as the world bled away again.

  Finally, she was back in the classroom, looking at herself.

  “Who are you?” Kris’ reflection asked, fingers steepled over the teacher’s desk.

  “I’m just me. A girl who tries her best. A girl who learns from her failures. A woman who loves her Mari far more than any genetic conditioning could ever force. A woman who will fight for her dreams, no matter the cost.”

  “A girl who’s learning to swear a lot more than her mother would approve of, too,” the other Kris joked. “If this is who you want to be, then so be it. This is who we are.”

  The classroom crumbled, and Kris opened her eyes.

  Her skin was starting to itch, just slightly, though she put it out of her mind.

  Mari was the first person she saw, then her vision cleared enough to make out Anise, Vilke, Barclay, and finally, a girl with rainbow hair and eyes who looked oddly starstruck.

  “She’s awake!” Rainbow chirped happily as she spotted Kris rubbing her eyes. Even just those two brief words hinted at a heavily accented way of speaking.

  Then Mari was there, right up close and worried. “How’d it go?”

  Kris frowned, thinking for a second. “I’m really mean to myself.”

  The itching sensation persisted.

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