"KENZO!"
*SLAP*
"Hey, wake up..."
*ANOTHER HARDER SLAP*
"I know you can hear me!"
Who knew that the first sensation you feel after returning to consciousness wasn't peace, or tranquility, or some divine choir welcoming you back... No. It was pain. And lots of it.
My whole body hurt for some reason...
I cracked one eye open to see what was obnoxiously trying to wake me, but there was nothing, just an empty dark void. Not the metaphorical kind people say they have in their heart, when they break up, no, I mean an actual void. One that seemed like a shifting night sky full of stars, with a strange, heavenly light beaming down on me like some sort of divine spotlight.
As I turned toward the light, lying on my back and gently shielding my face with my hand, I felt its warm embrace wrapping around my skin and its soft glow on my half-closed eyes.
"Feels peaceful,"
I mumbled to myself, deciding to go back to sleep. But as soon as I lay my head on... the... cold... hmm... What is this?
My hand tapped onto the floor, but it didn't seem like there was a floor to begin with! It felt like my hand just went through my bed, as if I were a ghost! I waved my fingers, and a cold, air?like sensation brushed my skin. How stra-
Wait a minute, I didn't even go to bed!
"Kenzo Ishikawa, I'd like to welcome you to your afterlife!"
A loud female voice shattered my peaceful yet confusing silence. Suddenly, two hands grabbed my shoulders and started violently shaking me!
"AHHH!" I jumped up, startled by the annoying voice and the equally annoying shaking!
"AHH!" The girl in front of me screamed back, clutching her chest as if I had jump?scared her!
"What the hell? Who are you?!" I point at her.
"Congratulations! You died!" she grins, arms spread wide like I'd just won the lottery.
What the hell is happening? This is just a dream, right? And what does she mean by congratulations?!
"Uhh... you can stop staring at me now... it isn't that big of a deal..." she says, dropping her grin, clearly not thrilled by my very normal reaction to suddenly being awoken by her.
"Right, sorry." I quickly apologize and look around. It all seemed like a never-ending abyss, except for this random girl and a bright light shining on top of us.
Ugh, creepy
"So, uh... where am I?" I ask, rubbing my eyes, still trying to make sense of this whole situation.
"You're in heaven! Kinda. Technically. Look, it's complicated." She waves her hand slightly at me.
"I'm supposed to send you on, but lucky you!" She smirked. " I'm feeling generous today, so I'm offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! You get to choose where you go!"
"I... I get to choose where I go?"
"Yup! And don't worry, it only slightly breaks the protocol."
"Oh, right!" she suddenly perked up, as if remembering something important.
"I haven't properly introduced myself! My name is Lumina, the one responsible for guiding early souls to their new place!" She struck a dramatic pose with a wide smile and a voice that was WAY too excited for my liking.
"Who?"
She then gave me a very disappointing look. "You really don't know me?"
"I am Lumina! Goddess of Light! Of Wisdom! Of the Sun itself! The one who possesses infinite knowledge!"
"Doesn't ring a bell."
"HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ME!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN AWE! CAN'T YOU TELL BY MY CLOTHES OR SOMETHING!?"
"I dunno! You kinda look like an ordinary girl with way too big of a budget for clothes!"
"WHAT!? UGHHHH!" She flung her hands up into the air dramatically, her face twisting with frustration and disbelief, as her eyes narrowed with irritation as if the very idea of being unrecognized stung her pride.
"I swear, humans are getting dumber and dumber!"
Okay, now that I actually started paying attention, she did kind of look divine. Her outfit gleamed like freshly fallen snow, as if she had just stepped out of a high-budget fashion show. Her hair practically sparkled blonde, and her eyes looked like bright gold.
She radiated this strange aura, like she was the most beautiful person I've ever seen, filled with joy and some sort of divine knowledge! The kind of aura that made you feel like everything was going to be okay. It would've been impressive... if I weren't already dead!
"Okay, okay, I get it! You're a goddess!" I threw my hands up in surrender. The last thing I needed was some divine temper tantrum making me explode into glitter!
"So... uh... what am I doing here again?"
"You died..." she said sweetly, followed by a mischievous giggle. "In a pathetically tragic way, actually. Especially for someone your age."
The nerve of this girl! Is she seriously insulting me right after I had just died!? What happened to "rest in peace"? Or at least a "sorry this happened to you"!
I quickly remembered what had happened to me, what I had done to end up here in my last moments...
"Is the girl... okay?"
"Oh, her? Let's just say... she won't be happy to see you anytime soon."
"...What do you mean?"
"Don't remember much, huh? Well, let me refresh your memory." She grinned and, without warning, she slammed her palm onto my forehead with a smug look. Then suddenly- WHOOSH!- we were standing in the middle of a random street, not too far from where I live.
Used to... live...
Oh... wait...
This is where I died...
It was a normal evening, I was walking home holding a new game I had just bought...
It was a limited edition copy of Dragon Quest XIX! I had waited eight hours in line for this plastic box of happiness and had to battle sleep deprivation all day, but in the end, I was finally holding it!
Totally worth it!
It wasn't a new thing for me, since staying up late gaming or binge-watching anime was like a daily chore for me.
Besides, sleep is like... super overrated.
Well... while I was walking down the street back home, I noticed a girl I knew from high school, and we were in the same class too! I would be lying if I told you that I didn't think she was kinda hot... but at that moment, she wasn't paying attention to the road while crossing it!
My face dropped in shock as I saw a truck speeding down the road!
I dropped what I had in my arms...
Ran as fast as I could...
And just in time, I dove in and pushed her out of the way!
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
That happened all at the same time as a blinding light took over my vision...
Well, at that very moment, I had hoped to trade my life so that she could live hers... Not that mine mattered much anyways...
Or at least be remembered by everybody as a hero who saved and sacrificed himself for her!
The so-called goddess of light was controlling the events and time with her own hands. To me, it all seemed like she was just turning a button on a radio, trying to find the right frequency. She slightly waved her hand, slowing down time, letting us both really admire the exact seconds of my so-called heroic act. As I watched it all unfold again in front of my eyes with her, she slowed down time to a stop...
Wait...
"...Pretty rude of you, just shoving that poor girl like that," Lumina's voice echoed as we casually looked at the whole scene, frozen in time right before the truck hit the gir-
What the fuck?
"Didn't think that through, did you?"
"EH?!" I scream out as I see that the truck had swerved- IT SWERVED! -It wouldn't have EVEN HIT US!
And I pushed her...
RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT!!!
I drop to my knees...
I DIED LIKE AN IDIOT! NOT EVEN A HERO! JUST A MORON WITH BAD TIMING!
"Mhm, Yup, a pretty messed-up thing you did there," says Lumina, chuckling and clearly delighted by my misery.
"What's... so... funny?" I managed to ask, my voice thick with embarrassment and guilt. My face turned redder than a tomato.
Turns out, I didn't die saving anyone. I just... died.
"Bahahaha! You... are... INCREDIBLE! I've been doing this job for centuries, and you, without question, are the most hopeless soul I've ever gotten!" she says, barely holding her laughter...
correction...
not even trying to HOLD IT!
"Pfft... AHAHAHA—look at you! Trying to act all heroic like you actually knew what you were doing!" She dropped to the ground, clutching her stomach, wheezing, and kicking her legs like a kid, with tears of laughter streaming down her face. "Oh... I'm gonna die of laughter here!"
"Stop! Okay!? I know I messed up!"
I hate her even more now...
"Wait... So how come I'm here then?"
"Oh, right. That part." She suddenly stands up again, stopping the embarrassing laughter with tears in her eyes, probably remembering she was supposed to be guiding my soul or whatever.
"Well, the truck's back doors were, uh... not secured properly. Soooo..." With a snap of her fingers, time started moving again.
*BONK*
"...one of them flung open and nailed you right in the head."
I felt the blood drain from my face when I saw it myself.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up...
"If you hadn't tried to play the hero and just stayed out of it, you both would've been perfectly fine," she said, practically smirking at my misery.
"So, now that you remember how spectacularly you messed up..." Lumina slapped her hand back onto my head again, and- WHOOSH! -we were right back in the dark void where this whole thing began.
"...I think you're ready to go to your new world!"
"HEY! Hold on a damn minute!" I throw my hands up. "Didn't you just say I had a choice, not even a minute ago!?"
She gave me a disbelieving and slightly annoyed look, the one you'd give a guy who just asked if water is really wet...
"You sure love making my job harder, huh?" She let out a long, exaggerated sigh, as if I were the one causing problems!
"Alright, fine..." She crossed her arms. "I'm giving you a choice between heaven and a new, exciting life!"
"A new life?"
"Yup, you heard me right!" Lumina nodded dramatically. Her eyes, shining with excitement. "A world of adventure! Magic! Dragons! Epic quests! Scary monsters, and a place where you can make actual friends and socialize with people for once-"
"Oi! Not cool!"
"-and all sorts of other fantasy... stuff... You get the deal."
"Mmmmmhhmmm..." I stroked my chin, pretending to think really, really hard about it. "Sounds awfully convenient. What's the catch?"
She sighed, like she'd been waiting for that question.
"Okay, look—real talk?" She snapped her fingers, and an ethereal map shimmered beside her, a corner of it burning.
"This world—Veridia—is a very neat place for people who are more of an adventurous type. Or people who like playing fantasy games, such as yourself." She pointed to the swirling image. "So, where is the problem, you asked?"
"I'm pretty sure I didn't..."
"Nobody wants to reincarnate there anymore! Not the locals, not the afterlife souls, no one! Most of the souls who die there take one look at the place and go: 'Nope. Not doing that again.' So the birth rate's plummeting, the soul queue's jammed up, and it's threatening the entire reincarnation cycle!"
"...You're saying people are boycotting life?"
"Exactly!" She threw her hands in the air. "It's a full-blown strike! Soooo..."
She leaned in close, eyes glinting mischievously.
"We recruit souls from other worlds. People like you. Freshly dead, young, no major attachments—perfect candidates!"
"Doesn't feel like you're too grateful about it... So, why are you telling me all of this again?"
"Alright, here's the fun part!" she added, suddenly leaning in, her eyes sparkling with a serious look on her face. "The world has recently fallen into peril! The demon lord's army has launched a catastrophic war! The kingdom is on the brink of ruin! And YOU, brave soul, have been chosen by prophecy to rise up and-"
"Nah."
"Yeah, I'm good, heaven sounds chill. Quiet. Maybe I'll finally get some proper sleep. So I'll go there."
"Wait—WHAT!? But people will die! The kingdom will fall! The world will be doomed!"
"Yeah... I missed the part where that's my problem. Plus, it sounds like too big of a hassle if I accept, soooo..."
She let out a deep, exhausted sigh, then glared at me like I had personally ruined her entire dramatic speech that she was probably rehearsing in her head for a long time.
"Fiiiiiine. But heaven's got no anime, no games, and no food to drool over. And since you're dead, you can't even hook up with anyone! Still in?"
"...Yup."
"HMPH! Yup, he says... You're lucky that because of the rules I can't even force you into it..." She gave me one last mean look before she clapped her hands twice. With a poof, a wooden table, a chair, a feather quill, an ink bottle, and blank pieces of paper materialized in front of her.
"Alright. I just have to complete some things." She plopped down into the chair and dipped the feather in ink.
Who knew heaven was so outdated? Can't they just send me a confirmation email or something?
"So what's your name again?" She looks up at me.
"Kenzo Ishikawa."
"Mhm." She writes something down before looking at me again. "Age?"
"17. Is all of this really necessary?"
"Yes, it is, so quit whining." She scribbles something down again.
"Do you like girls, Kenzo?"
"Wha—Excuse me?"
"Y'know. Women. Opposite gender. Romance, hand-holding, emotional damage, a bunch of other stuff."
"I know what women are, you don't need to explain it! And yes, I do, if you really need to know..."
"Huh." She looked at me, slightly surprised.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Nothing, thought you were into dudes and stuff, since you never had a girlfriend."
"That doesn't mean I—UGH—that's none of your business!"
"Relax, I'm just messing with you." She teases me as she continues scribbling on the paper.
"Alright. Next question: What's your favorite thing to do at night when no one's around?" She looks up at me again.
"...What kind of creepy afterlife survey is this?! Why do you need to know that?!" I blush slightly at her.
"Hey, you're the one with an interestingly specific browser history," she said with a serious face. "Besides, I'm just confirming some things. I already know everything about you, or did you forget that I'm the goddess of 'knowing everything' already?" She winks at me before she looks down again.
"Are you almost done with that?" I grumbled.
"With what?" She lifts her head up and looks at me in confusion.
"With the whole paperwork thing! I'm standing here for 10 minutes already!"
"Ohhh! This? No, no, I don't have to do any paperwork. It's a drawing of a cat. Look!"
"Isn't it cute?~"
"Then why ask me all those questions?"
"I was just making some small talk. Plus, you look really fun to mess with."
She then lazily pointed to my right. "If you're really in a rush, just head through that portal over there." I turned, and sure enough, there was a glowing portal just floating in the air.
"Was that always there?"
"Yup."
"So I could've just left all this time... and I stood here like an idiot...?"
"Yeah..."
I sigh and start walking towards the portal.
"Well, at least I don't have to see you again."
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Just go, you're like the last guy for today, and I really want to go home."
I approached the portal, stopping just in front of it.
Do I just walk in? Do I say something?
"It's a portal. You step into it." I hear Lumina shout from the desk. "Not that hard..."
"I know! I've just never done this before!"
"Just take one step and jump through it. It's easier that way."
"Alright..." I took a deep breath, "If you say so." I bent my knees and leapt forward as hard as I could.
*BONK*
My face smacked against the portal's surface like I just tried to kiss a glass door. I slid down slowly until I hit the floor, groaning.
"ow..."
"Hmm. That's not supposed to happen." I hear Lumina now looking down on me.
"It's not?"
"Nope. Strange..."
As if right on cue, an envelope popped into existence above her and dropped neatly into her hands. She quickly opened it and scanned the contents.
"Due to the current soul that you are trying to transfer to heaven, we sadly inform you..." She continued reading, mumbling to herself.
"Figures." She then crumpled the paper up and tossed it behind her like junk mail.
"What figures? What happened?" I stand up beside her.
"You, my friend," She puts a finger on my chest. "Have officially been rejected by Heaven!"
"Huh?!" I blinked in surprise. "How is that possible?!"
"Yeah, well, Heaven's got standards. And you, shockingly, don't meet them."
"Is this because of the girl?"
"Bingo." She snapped her fingers, and a glowing list popped into the air like a divine browser tab. "Cause of Death: Collision with Motor Vehicle. Time of Death: Error. Response: Changed Source Death for Balance."
"...Translation?"
"You two weren't supposed to die yet. But because you caused her to die early with you, the universe yanked you both off the timeline to even things out."
"So... no heaven?"
"Karma is one interesting thing, ain't it?" She gave me a smug smile. "Oh—and since your death was also unscheduled, Heaven's system basically flagged you as an 'unauthorized soul.'"
"So I'm locked out of the afterlife because I committed some sort of early heaven fraud?"
"Wow, that's actually a really accurate way to put it."
I groaned and rubbed my head. "And there's nothing you can do?"
"Nope!" She clapped her hands again, making everything disappear.