LYSSANDRA

  There were myths that I learnt when I was young. About a goddess who was born out of the sea. She could make everyone fall in love with her with one simple glimpse. Admired by her beauty, she took a title as one of the Olympians, worshiped by her power, her desire, her love, and her charms. I always imagined her as a woman who couldn't be described and a woman so cruel that she could break each heart and start wars out of spite.

  But that wasn’t how she appeared to me. Her face was calm, even tired, and she wasn’t beautiful. That wasn’t beauty.

  Her tall structure was painted deep blue with scars all over her body, her hair floating like seafoam,m and wings scattered in her body. She seemed violent. As much as I could see of her almost visible body was there, as there was a kind of mist trying to hide it. But her eyes were there. Her deep red eyes, whose tears made red scars on her cheeks.

  That wasn’t beautiful. That was violence. And yet, I couldn’t stop staring at her.

  The goddess let out a frown as she noticed how much I was staring at her.

  ‘’So, that’s what you see’’She muttered and began walking back to her house. Looking at her back, I could see a pair of broken wings, as if someone tried to rip out by force, hatred.

  Her fingers touched the door, and she turned back to me. ‘’Are you coming? I don’t have all day.’’

  Unlike her figure, her voice was monotone, calm but not seductive.

  But I could do nothing else but follow her. I couldn’t turn back. Not now with my mind on rampage.

  Her house was painted white with crystals hanging above the ceiling, making me look at every one of my reflections. Was I always looking this tired?

  The scent of roses was everywhere, and I noticed that there was a garden filled with them outside the room. There were seashells and valuable jewelsint one corner, while the thing that surprised me was to see a copper shield with a snake carved at the center. Was that one of the gifts she took?

  The painting on her wall was about a woman, a beautiful, tall, curved body with the ocean surrounding her, just like her multiple suitors.

  But it couldn’t be her.

  ‘’Nectar?’’ Asked the goddess, and with a clap of her fingers, a young man with red curls and golden scars appeared, holding a jag filled with a magnetizing liquid.

  ‘’I don’t know…’’I muttered, and a cup appeared on my fingers.

  ‘’Nonsense, you are immortal,’’ She said with a sudden joy in her painful words, and the cupbearer poured a liquid that was both gold and red at Aphrodites’s cup. When it was my time, I noticed the boy’s empty golden eyes. His tired bronze gaze as he couldn’t bear his life anymore. He didn’t want to be…

  ‘’I can do it’’My voice broke out and took the jug softly out of his grasp and poured to my cup. Whatever Nectar had inside, I could smell the essence of figs, trying to get out. Maybe I could find a way to make it from scratch and sell it.

  The man’s expression did not change, but when I gave the jug back, I heard someone whispering.

  Thank you.

  When he vanished, Aphrodite sat on her daybed and faced me, irritated.

  ‘’You are surprisingly kind’’She muttered.

  I took a seat on the nearest white daybed and began drinking. One small sip. It was all it took, and I felt hungover. I bit my lower lip, and salty blood touched my tongue, making me forget that I was even drunk.

  Aphrodite smiled.’’And surprisingly still smart.’’

  ‘’Was that a test?’’ I asked. ‘’Just like you spying on me for centuries?’’ Her brow arched.

  ‘’You are mistrusting the wrong person girl’’She answered, and the goddess began drinking.

  ‘’Am I? Cause I do not understand what you even want from me’’

  ‘’I am simply trying to understand what’s so interesting about you.’’

  I tilted my head to the right, confused.

  ‘’No matter what people, gods think about you, hate you, love you, it seems that they still have a strange admiration.’’

  Was she envious? I couldn’t say that to her, but it seems that my face did as one drop slipped from her cup.

  ‘’What about you?’’I asked her.

  Her lips were pressed into a thin line. ‘’I am not quite sure yet.’’

  Great. The last thing I wanted was to have her as an enemy. My gaze moved back to the cup, and I could see myreflectione. Was I always looking like this? How will I end? Like Ariadne, blissful to madness? Or like that cupbearer, an empty vessel for the gods.

  ‘’Why did you save me?’’I asked her. ‘’You could have let me end up in a pulp on the ground.

  Her shoulder blades became stiff. ‘’There isn’t a way stopping you, is there?’’She chuckled.

  ‘’What?’’

  ‘’I am a goddess of love, dear girl, and I haven’t seen for a while a person with so little love to give to themselves.’’Her presence became stronger.

  ‘’I have seen people losing their love to battle, to sickness, and to curses. Do you know how many lovers, parents, I have heard weeping? How many people felt losing their love inside their madness? But I don’t know how you ever lost yours. Your motivation vanishing.’’

  I remained silent. ‘’Will you help me then? Find it’’

  Her face twitched. ‘’You have no right to order me-’’

  ‘’All I know is that I am forgetting things, part of me that I knew about myself. And I do not want to lose what I was and what I love. And you, goddess of love and desire, can help me with that’’

  Congratulations, woman, make her hate you too. Aphrodite stood up and walked slowly closer to me. Each step, I could feel my chest tightening. My mind is becoming harder. Was this one more trick? To make me afraid of her? I bit my lips once again, and the blood made it stop.

  The goddess's stiff eyes softened, and she relaxed. ‘’You have very nice lips, it’s not right to ruin them’’ She commented and offered me her giant hand.

  That meant yes? Would she help me?

  There was a woman in the darkness. Long dark curls and soft honey eyes. She was singing to her full belly a familiar lullaby. About a prince protecting a kingdom with his hands made of light. I was sitting next to her as she was trying to be at peace with herself. At peace that this child was out of wedlock. At peace that she might not survive this. She wanted to see her child grow up, be someone, be happy. But she left her child. Wondering where she could have been, wondering if it was her existence that made her run away. What kind of mother abandons her child? How could she do it?

  I cannot do this. I screamed at the darkness. I could not see each person in the memories that I had forgotten. But that’s what Aphrodite could do. See souls and memories that I lost and project them to me.

  The woman’s belly began to bleed, and she started screaming. Again and again, only when my child remained. The woman was nowhere to be found, but her voice remained.

  ‘’I wanted to see you grow. I am sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to survive it’’

  I turned back to see that woman. I never cared about my parents. Who they were. I never imagined what I would do if I had the chance to see them again. But why was I now crying in her arms? My knees sank into the darkness with her warm hands playing with my hair as I was still a child. There I was, a baby in her arms, whispering to me her lullaby.

  But it did not last long when a large group of people were now facing me. Elderly, people my age, kids. Everyone was facing me as I was holding the answers. The answerstof their demise. I tried to speak. I tried so hard, but I shed tears. I could remember every one of them, but I didn’t know why I forgetting so fast. No, I couldn’t forget them.

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  ‘’Embrace the pain’’ The goddess whispered.

  I hurt them so much. I hurt so many people.

  ‘’Sooner or later, you will be an empty vessel for gods to mess with’’ Aphrodite shouted. ‘’Is this what you want?’’

  No. I wanted to get out. I wanted to get out of this immortality. I wanted to feel alive once again. But being alive means embracing the pain.

  I met the priest when I was a child. He was a father to me, teaching me right from wrong, even when I wasn’t listening. He protected me. Until the fire ended up in the temple. I prayed just like he did. I should have run just like he said because he might have been still alive. He could be alive.

  ‘’You were a kid’’ The priest whispered.

  There were two siblings. I messed with their feelings for me, I lured them to a life that they did not want. And I made sure that one of them would die pointlessly. I made promises to people that I would protect them and never leave them, offering them a life, only to cast them out, telling them cruel things.

  ‘’You cannot prevent death. You did everything you could.’’

  No. I could have done better. I wanted to do better. I wanted to get hurt just like I am burning now. My skin is surrounded by poison. Yes, that’s what I want.

  That’s what…

  That is not life. I saw a little girl with dark curls and a wounded face. She had dreams and hope for the future. She wanted to protect the people around her. And she wanted to leave with joy and love. And she did not want to get hurt or die.

  I don’t want to die.

  ‘’I will get you out’’I went to my knees and cupped her cheek. ‘’I promise.’’

  The little girl smiled softly, and there was now nothing. Except for a bright crimson fox.

  Who was that fox? Why couldn’t I remember you?

  ‘’My name is…’’The fox tried to speak, but my mind began to hurt. There was this man once again. He was tricking me, he was playing with me, but so was I. We were both playing the same game, and it began to bloom. Something that I should not…

  Forget Lyssandra. A voice echoed once again, and I began screaming, only to find that in front of the fox, there were wings drenched in golden liquid. An image of a woman filled with scars appeared. She once offered me power and a chance to survive. Like a snake, she was whispering in my ear.

  She was telling me to forget. She was…

  I could not breathe. Water was filling my lungs. Water was killing me.

  My eyes snapped, and I returned to Aphrite’s room as she had pushed me to her bath not long ago. I began choking, spitting, and vomiting up her clear water as she tried to tell me to do it again.

  ‘’No, I can’t’’ I stuttered.

  ‘’You cannot give up girl’’She explained. ‘’Not after-’’

  ‘’It’s something there, hunting me. I cannot-’’

  She belongs to me.

  ‘’Who is the woman with the scared face?’’ I asked. ‘’Dark face, broken wings.’’

  Aphrodite’s lips trembled. ‘’You cannot fall for Eris’ tricks’’

  Eris? Like the goddess with the apple, the goddess of discord, and…

  The goddess who escaped.

  Escaped? Escaped from what? Why can’t I remember?

  There were two snakes in my dream when I met her. Two snakes that were offering me help with Eri,s too. Just like when Hermes was offering me the apple, there were two…

  ‘’Why was she interested in me?’’

  Aphrodite raised her shoulders.

  ‘’You have to-’’

  ‘’I don’t need to understand’’I raised my voice. ‘’I need to know why everyone is keeping secrets from me and expecting me to do their breeding. ‘’

  The goddess kept looking at me with such interest that it could make my skin crawl, but I did not care. If I had to make every god despise me to find a reason to live again, then so be it.

  ‘’I cannot tell you what exactly happened centuries ago’’She explained. ‘’I gave an oath to remain silent. That’s the truth.’’

  I didn’t know if I could believe her or not, but I knew she wouldn’t actually answer. If I had to find answers, it should be from the one who holds me captive.

  Suddenly, a black bird flew from the window, and it shifted to a man with black armor who was holding a familiar jug.

  The man glared at me behind his dark helmet, and I glared at him. It was surprising to see him again as he offered the dark jar to Aphridte, who kissed his helmet. ‘’Thank you, dear, I will come to you later.’’

  All flustered now, Ares flew away and left Aphrodite alone with me once more.

  ‘’This’’She said, holding the jar stiffly as she was giving it to me. ‘’Shall help you.’’

  I didn’t even try to touch it when it hit me. I began shaking my head. The memory of what the blood of Typhon could do was enough to make my stomach tight. I wanted to scream, to beg for help.

  ‘’It will not hurt you if you touch it’’Aphrodite said. ‘’You are immortal, if you are not around humans, it will be alright-’’

  ‘’It destroyed a kingdom. I should have died. I should-’’ My lips trembled, and the goddess caressed my hands. Trying to reassure me that everything will be alright.

  The goddess who made people miserable out of jealousy, made wars with her desire…That was not the goddess that was right in front of me.

  ‘’Why are you helping me?’’ I finally asked. ‘’I do not think that I would ever worship you or-’’

  ‘’True’’She nodded. ‘’You do not have a pleasing face, you are a brute, and your choice of love is not interesting to me.’’

  ‘’How kind you are’’I said with a forced smile.

  ‘’However,’’She took a deep breath. ‘’I find it interesting the way you see me.’’

  See her?

  ‘’You have seen for the first hand the love of the gods. The love they show to each other and the mortals. The obsession, possession, it is violent. But they do not see it as violence but as pure heart. As if we have one that mortals call it. Honesty, most of the gods fall for mortals to feel this kind of love, but they fail miserably. And there is you. You are full of hate for us, and yet you are speaking to us like we are equal. You are making gods feel weaker, feel like mortals, and fall in love like ones…

  And I want to put a wager with you in the center of it.’’

  ‘’A wager?’’ I was confused.

  ‘’It’s a bet, darling girl.’’ She winked.

  ‘’Yes, I know what it is but’’I took a deep breath to think of the right words.

  ‘’Do you know?’’ Was Aphrodite trying to make me feel like an idiot?

  ‘’But what and with whom, I don’t.’’

  ‘’All that you need to know is’’’She tried to give the jar once again. ‘’Is take it .’’

  ‘’I do not want to be a pawn for your wager’’I admitted, but I was now holding the jar, and I was back in my room.

  What was that? How did I end up back in my room, and why were my clothes so different? I tried to move in the bath, and I could see my reflection. My hair was once again braided, but this time low down with roses and pearls, holding them tight. My face was all painted with white and red, but it seemed to be less noticeable. How much have cosmetics changed over the centuries? My cheeks and lips were soft red, but with no sun on my forehead or to my jowls. The powder was also very light, making my face whiter once again. The dress had the shade of a light autumn leaf, covering everything until my ankles, leaving everything for the imagination with two golden brooches holding everything on my shoulders. Two golden brooches that both have a dove carved into them with such detail.

  That woman in front of me was not me. I couldn’t be so …

  You are the most beautiful woman in the world. A man once told me.

  And my face flared as Pup rushed to my side and licked my hand. I replied by petting his head.

  ‘’You will be good to me, right?’’I asked him and replied with a bark. So, I showed him the jar, and as I gave it to him, he bit it carefully from the lid so it wouldn't break.

  ‘’Go hide it, and when I find a way to get out, I will take you with me.’’

  So he followed my order and vanished into the garden.

  The door opened once again, with Hermes returning all tired as he was holding once again the jars of wine.

  ‘’You are early,’’ I commented and walked closer to the door.

  ‘’Yes, I was thinking we could…’’His words were cut out as his eyes found me, now all dressed nicely for him. ‘’Play our game’’He was trying so hard to blush with his wings covering his face and his colorful tail flipping left and right from behind.

  Adorable.

  And my eyes fixated on his necklace. I needed his necklace.

  ‘’How did you become even more beautiful?’’He sighed and moved even closer to me.

  His head turned to the poppies that had scattered before from the window.

  ‘’Where did you-’’

  ‘’Aphrodite did this’’I admitted. I couldn’t say that I left the room. Even with the possibility that I knew that I was gone, I wanted to believe that he didn’t.

  ‘’What was she doing here-’’His voice became higher.

  ‘’She tried to find me a reason to keep on living with this gift that you gave me.’’

  My fingers moved slowly to my chest. Tell him exactly what he wants to listen to. He replied by raising his wings.

  ‘’And did you find it?’’

  That I have to get out. I almost forgot it all those years, and I will not do it again. That I will find why Eris was messing with me and why that strange man is haunting me.

  I walked closer to him, and my fingers slipped on the jars of wine. Gather all your strength, woman. Break your pride and stop blushing so gullible.

  ‘I might believe that time will change me for the better.’’I forged a soft smile with my eyes playing innocent.

  Hermes’s teeth appeared all sharp as he leaned closer to my face. So close to my lips.

  ‘’Why can’t I believe you?’’

  I simply smiled once again and took the wine from his fingers. ‘’Shall we drink?’’ I asked, and the god’s gaze brightened like a sun.