It was for the best.

  It was the right way... it was the only way to move forward.

  So, why doesn't it feel like it?

  ...I had to do it.

  But the more I looked at his hurt expression, the more I felt like I royally fucked up.

  He... was always the honest one out of all 3 of us.

  Would... this have gone differently if I had just told him the truth... with my own words?

  If I told the truth... my truth, would Kitayana have followed behind me?

  Would she have told him her truth?

  I think... she would have let the world butn before she did.

  She would rather burn alive than let the world know she isn't an Alpha.

  So, there was no chance she would have told him...

  She... never would have.

  I thought... I had to take matters into my own hands.

  It was for the best... it had to be.

  But... I think... no... I know...

  It... made a mistake.

  And I can't take it back...

  The door clicked shut behind Kai, leaving me alone with Kitayana.

  If I go after him now, I can apologize. I can say I am sorry. I tell him the whole truth, but... it feels like I can't move one leg forward. It's like the ground is sucking me down into its clutches.

  I feel like I am stuck.

  "Lilas..."

  "Yes?" I rasped out, voice heavy with regret and dread.

  I feel like my eyes are stinging. The back of my throat is starting to burn. The room is starting to feel like it is closing down on me.

  "Do you think... you–" She abruptly stopped speaking and walked away. She slammed the door shut behind her.

  I...

  She...

  Of course, she figured it out.

  I stood there for a long time, unmoving.

  My mind raced with different outcomes. I imagine all the possibilities of how tonight could've gone, and none of them ended with both of them hurt by actions... but it did.

  Right, at this moment... I wish for a time when things weren't complicated.

  I miss... the past.

  I wish feelings weren't so loud.

  If I didn't care so much. I wouldn't have hurt them... this never would have happened.

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  Does caring make me the bad guy?

  I... always knew I was going to marry either one of them.

  Time would eventually tell me who.

  It wasn't surprising to me when I ended up liking both Aalackai and Kitayana.

  Liking someone kinda just springs up on you. You don't expect it to happen.

  But it did for me... twice.

  Did it kinda overlap with one another when I first realized ...no. It didn't, or maybe it did. I know no more.

  I thought it was normal to like both of your best friends...

  When I was a kid, I didn't know better. It's not like I had many friends to tell me otherwise.... all I had were books to answer my questions.

  In other kingdoms... my love isn't wrong, it's normal.

  I'm normal.

  We could make it work.

  I... first started to like Aalackai during the hottest time of the year during Quiels. Quiel is the shortest season of the year, but also the hottest and most intense. Back then, everything seemed so simple...

  I remember those 14 days had our bodies radiating waves of heat. It made most people's minds cloudy and fuzzy.

  But not mine. I remember that season clear as day, even with all the hot, humid air around.

  It's advised during this time to stay indoors at all times of the day.

  If you must go out for any reason, your best option is to wait until it's darker out.

  So, that's what I did for 14 days.

  I was lucky that both the Aalackai and Kitayana families were staying at their capitals' homes for the Lycan Alpha Conference.

  Unfortunately, at the very start of Quiel Kitayana caught a very serious fever. That wouldn't allow her to have any guests over.

  So, instead, I spent those days with Kai.

  I didn't mind the time we spent without Kitayana, but I realized that without her, Kai and I were missing something in our dynamic. Our balance was gone for 14 days.

  That meant we fed into each other's chaos. Well, as much chaos as little kids can muster.

  When we weren't being a menace together. We went to the night market, and there we got 14 gifts for Kitayana for every day she was sick.

  As the days continued, the sensation in my chest grew. It felt like a comfortable warmth in my chest was enveloping me and holding me tightly.

  That sensation in my chest never left over the years. If anything, it reminded me of my awakening and the feeling I had then.

  I didn't hate how that feeling felt; it was just a constant reminder of what I am.

  I can never change being a beta.

  So, the problem isn't that Aalackai is a guy, the problem is that... I can't accept what I am.

  If I weren't a beta... I wouldn't be feeling this way.

  I wouldn't want more than what is deemed normal...

  I cared for Aalackai more than what a friend should feel.

  I only realized after he was sent away that I liked him... more than a friend.

  I never told him then, and by the looks of how things went tonight, I never will.

  ***

  POV: Kitayana

  The cold air wrapped around me. The chill air felt like shards against my skin.

  He knows... someone else knows.

  How much time do I have until the whole world finds out?

  How are my parents going to look at me?

  How am I going to live with myself?

  A secret isn't a secret if there are more than two who know.

  3 is a crowd.

  I should've known he was going to break.

  All those times he told me to tell someone.

  I dig my nails into my palms. I bit down a scream that was starting to bubble in the back of my throat. That burning sensation in the back of my throat grounded me. It let me know that this wasn't a nightmare but my reality.

  Did he think I wouldn't notice what he did?

  He set this whole thing up.

  How could Lilas do this to me?

  Do all those years keeping another deepest secret mean nothing to him?

  Even before he found out about me, I kept his secret to myself. I never told a soul, and I still wouldn't.

  The string in my palms felt like nothing when I compared how I feel right this second.

  Who else is he going to tell?

  That fucker.

  Aalackai... he knows now, too.

  I thought after Aalackai left Lilas and I grew closer... was that also all a lie?

  My chest feels like it's burning from deep within. I feel like any minute now I could bring everything down around me.

  I need to calm down.

  This little emotional outbreak can... trigger something.

  I can't go into heat now. This isn't the time or place.

  I would kill myself before I would let that curse consume me.

  I ran my hand through my hair and started pacing back and forth in the hallway.

  I know Lilas cares about me. He wouldn't do this for a good reason, but it doesn't mean that his betrayal hurts any less...

  If I feel this betrayed Aalackai... must feel like the world stopped spinning.

  I can go turn around right now and talk to Lilas and ask him to explain himself. We can fix this.

  He can cast a spell to erase Aalackai's... memory.

  This way, he won't feel hurt, and we can push this night behind us.

  Stopped walking.

  ...What am I even thinking?

  I can't do that to Aalackai... but if I go see Lilas right now, I don't know what I'll do to him or myself.

  It's just as I thought: 3 is a crowd...

  In the back of my mind, a thought suddenly occurred... one that has to be locked away for my safety and sanity.

  "...Kitayana, you're not that far gone..."

  Am I ... I?