***

  Robert woke up extremely hungover and decided to get some gym time before work to see if it helped. He went to work, put his bag in his locker, and wrapped his hands in tape. As he warmed up on the treadmill, he found himself thinking back to a mission he went on one time as Mecha Man. Running along on the treadmill, he felt like he was running back into the burning building.

  ***

  With a good warmup in, he started jumprope. He remembered landing in the burning building and saying, “Damage is done. All I want is a conversation.” Something had moved behind him, and he said, “No need to do more—” but something hit him, knocking him sideways. As it came around for another pass, he pulled his mech suit’s fist back, and swung a punch.

  After the jumprope, Robert switched to the punching bag. He danced around it, punching like he was reliving the fight with the flying, burning adversary. He had knocked it back and was trying to locate it again when it burst from the rubble, hitting him in the chest. The mech flew backwards, smashing through a pillar.

  After the punching bag, Robert decided to finish by lifting weights. He kept adding weight to the bench press as he remembered lifting a chunk of wall off his mech during the fight. He had taken flight, only to be knocked into the ceiling by his opponent, before the mech fell down and crashed through the floor to land in a pile of rubble on the next floor down.

  Robert struggled to push the bar up as his muscles gave into fatigue. It was no use. He was pinned.

  Flambae stepped into view, looking down at him. “Need some help? You’re not supposed to lift without a spot, idiot.” He thrust a thumb at the poster on the wall that had a flexing picture of Phenomaman and the words, ‘If you do not have super powers, you need a spotter!’

  Robert kept struggling to push the bar up as Flambae muttered, “So weak. So, so weak,” and helped lift the bar off his chest.

  Robert sat up, huffing in frustration. “Now I’m getting a safety lecture from a walking fireball.”

  Flambae loaded an insane amount of weight onto the squat rack and stepped under the bar. “It’s a reality check. Normies need babysitters so you don’t hurt yourself thinking you’re a hero.” He began easily squatting the weight. “Man, I am so fuckin’ strong. It’s crazy.”

  “I’m not a normie and you know it,” Robert said.

  “Pff,” Flambae said, still squatting. “You’re the King of Normies. I’ve seen fuckin’ Wetwipeboy put up more on the bench.” He put the weight back on the rack, walked over to Robert, and patted him on the head. “No more hero stuff without supervision. You can’t get injured because we need you behind that desk to help the real heroes.”

  Robert stared up at him for a moment before saying, “Uh, actually, speaking of injuries, remind me—who took your tooth? It’s like they only stole that little bit.”

  Flambae glared down at him, then got in his face and said, “I got into a fight with an actual real, actual hero. And I assure you,” he stuck a finger in Robert’s face, “he’s regretting his decision to tangle with me.”

  Robert looked at the finger then casually brushed the hand out of his face. “I imagine he’s regretting a lot of his decisions.”

  “That’s fucking right,” Flambae agreed, completely oblivious. “And you. It’s time for you to accept that you don’t got it anymore.” He grabbed Robert’s shoulder. “Pretending you still do is bumming people the fuck out. Now—get your flat ass off my bench.”

  When Robert got to his desk, he found a soggy box waiting for him with a surprisingly legible note from Waterboy that said, ‘Thank you! Enjoy the glazed donuts.’

  They were all wet.

  Robert patted Beef, sat down, and slipped his headset on, booting up his work station. He filled out some paperwork, and began his shift.

  “Yo,” Prism said. “You ever notice the Torrance vibe is like, rancid?”

  “Between the dead fish in the harbor,” Punch Up answered, “and the giant refinery, you can’t find who’s to blame.”

  “Dang, that’s some nasty shit,” Prism responded.

  Golem chimed in, “Man, I love the smell of the refinery.”

  “I hate the smell of gasoline,” Invisigal said.

  “I love the smell of gasoline,” Malevola said.

  ***

  “Love the smell or the taste?” Robert asked.

  Invisigal just said, “Ugh.”

  “Alright,” Robert said. “Shift has started so—everybody. Respectfully. Shut the fuck up.”

  “Who pissed in your cereal?” Invisigal asked.

  “Now that’s some nasty shit,” Golem said.

  “Sorry,” Robert said. “Just a little hungover.”

  Malevola laughed quietly.

  ***

  The first call to come in was a middle school requesting judges for their annual talent show. Robert dispatched Invisigal and Waterboy. As they headed out, Invisigal said, “Act like you don’t know me.”

  “Uh, I don’t,” Waterboy responded.

  “Perfect. You’re a natural.”

  Next there was a call from Vanderstenk about some station workers trapped in a tunnel collapse. Golem was made of mud so Robert sent him. While he was headed over, Golem said, “I thought CEOs were supposed to be smart.”

  “Yo, this Vanderstenk guy is a fucking clown,” Prism said.

  “He’s a business genius,” Sonar defended. “Everything he does is brilliant.”

  “Normally I’d defend you,” Malevola said, “but all of his projects kinda… suck?”

  “Top ten anime betrayals,” Sonar responded.

  “Just admit it, Sonar,” Prism pressed. “You’re obsessed with a loser.”

  “Isn’t this like the third time one of his projects is falling apart?” Malevola asked.

  “We’re busier because of him,” Prism added.

  Sonar tried, “He’s a job creator.”

  “Jesus, man,” Malevola sighed.

  Invisigal and Waterboy finished up judging the talent show, but then a call came in saying that the parents started fighting over the results and the kids joined in too. Robert sent Sonar and Malevola. A local museum wanted someone from SDN to speak at their “Aliens Among Us” exhibit, Robert wasn’t sure why, but he sent Prism to handle it.

  ***

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  There was a call about a stalker that Robert sent Waterboy to investigate. When he got there, he found a laptop and Robert hacked into it to delete all his files and backups. But as he was working on getting in, the antivirus flared up and tried to kick him out. Robert succeeded despite the antivirus, but not before muttering, “Shit, he’s using protection,” which prompted a snorting laugh from Malevola.

  ***

  Next there was a call about a background actor being needed. Robert sent Malevola. While she was en route, she said, “Quick heads up, Sonar is in a mood this morning.”

  “Why?” Robert asked. “He miss a rabies shot or something?”

  “Power was out at my place,” Sonar said. “Couldn’t even check up on my investments.”

  “Oh no,” Invisigal said. “The numbers that go up and down everyday. You’ll be fine.”

  Sonar shot back, “I pray you never know what it’s like to lose something.”

  Florida-Man Galen came on the line and said, “Hey we’re getting a bunch of calls about sewage being backed up in a bunch of neighborhoods. Which should we hit first?”

  “I-I’m uniquely equipped for, this uh,” Waterboy stammered. “This looks like a job for me!”

  Robert sent Waterboy, Golem, and Flambae.

  “Who’s the most bullyable on the Z-Team?” Malevola asked.

  “It’s Waterboy, obviously,” Invisigal answered.

  “Oh-uh,” Waterboy said. “I-it’s an honor to be n-nominated.”

  “Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s me,” Robert corrected.

  “Yeah,” Invisigal agreed. “At least Waterboy can get a girl wet.”

  An artist called in requesting a hero with an air of mystery and intellect that was also unassumingly strong to inspire his next project. Robert sent Malevola. On her way over, she asked, “I can possess the guy, think he’ll go for that?”

  The last call of the morning shift was about a mysterious explosion at the refinery. Robert asked Flambae if he did it, but Flambae said, “I would never blow up a refinery. They smell like shit.”

  “Somebody’s pushing in on my boy’s explosion territory,” Prism noted.

  Robert sent Waterboy and Prism to check it out, finding out that the Red Ring was the culprit behind the explosion, but no clear motive was present.

  “Yo man,” Flambae said. “Word in the hallway is you went on a date. That true?”

  “You jealous or something?” Robert laughed. “Look, if you wanted to grab dinner, all you had to do was ask.”

  “Yeah… you’re not my type.”

  “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Robert joked.

  Prism and Malevola were hanging out in the break room as Robert went in to microwave his lunch burritos. Right as he pulled them out, Prism said, “Maybe he’s got an iron stomach. Do we know anybody like that? Super digestion?”

  “The Gluttonator?” Malevola shrugged. “But, I don’t know. That guy weighed like, a thousand pounds.” She took a sip of coffee.

  “Hey Robert,” Prism said. “Did you recently lose like seven pounds?”

  “First off,” Robert said, “you’re either shit at math or you think I’m like three hundred pounds.” He gestured to his skinny frame. “I am not. I go to the gym and I work hard. Secondly, what are you talking about?”

  “There’s a pool going around on which superhero you used to be,” Prism said. “Person who guesses right wins nine-hundred and thirty-six dollars.”

  “That’s a real specific number.”

  “And that specific number could be ours,” Malevola cooed. “Just one hint. I mean we’re friends, right? Make your friends some money.”

  “Uh, secret identities are secret for a reason,” Robert said. “It’s in the name and everything. Crazy, right?”

  “Oh come on,” Prism said, “don’t be like that.”

  “Sorry,” Robert shrugged. “You’re just gonna have to earn your nine-hundred and thirty-six dollars some other way… what way could that be?” He picked up his burritos and turned to leave. “I’ll let you know if I… work it out. Get it? I’m expla—”

  Malevola’s coffee cup flew at his head, narrowly missed, and shattered against the wall behind him.

  “What the fuck?” Robert bordeline yelled.

  “Decent reflexes,” Prism noted.

  “Hey! Beef! No!” Robert picked up the dog to stop him from licking up coffee.

  Malevola leaned over to Prism. “Which heroes do we know that talk too much and have quick reflexes?”

  “Clean this shit up!” Robert spat and walked out.

  “Hey!” Prism called after him. “Losing all that weight don’t make you better than us!”

  “Yeah!” Malevola added. “Chill out, Dad!”

  Robert spent his lunch break down working on the Mecha Man suit and chatting with Chase.

  “Heard some of the team is scuffling with the Red Ring,” Chase said.

  “They run half the crime in the county,” Robert noted. “We were bound to bother them at some point.”

  “Watch yourself,” Chase said. “You poke the hive, you’re gonna have to fuck the queen.”

  Robert paused his welding job and looked at Chase. “That’s not how bees work.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I don’t, actually,” Robert went back to welding. “No one’s trying to fuck Shroud. But if we kill the queen, we rot the hive.”

  “You would do that?” Chase asked. “Kill Shroud? You might get the chance, you don’t want to go in there having to think about it.”

  “I’m not sure,” Robert said genuinely. “Just gonna have to wait and see I guess.” He pulled his welding mask off.

  “Just think about it,” Chase told him. “You wanna be sure.”

  Robert made his way over and sat down next to Chase.

  “Mecha Man’s coming back to life one patch at a time,” Chase said.

  “One patch at a time,” Robert agreed, grabbing his burrito.

  “I mean, Royd’s doing most of the work though, right?” Chase asked.

  “So much. He’s probably gonna redo all of this shit.”

  Chase and Robert made their way back to their desks and sat down for the next shift.

  “Evening folks,” Robert said into his headset. “Welcome back.”

  “We’ve got a few guesses at your identity,” Invisigal answered. “Leading one right now is Blueballs man.”

  “Lemme guess, his power is not being able to nut?”

  “Nah, his balls are literally blue dude,” Invisigal said. “Get your head outta the gutter.”

  “Great,” Robert muttered. “It’s gonna be a long shift.”

  The first call to come in was about a lost pet. Robert sent Invisigal and Waterboy to check it out. But as they were en route, Robert’s screen went black, as did all the lights for a moment.

  “What the fuck?” Robert said. “Did we just lose power?”

  “Sure did,” Galen answered. “City wide. Hang tight, we’re booting up the backup generator.” After several moments he said, “There we go,” and Robert’s computer started booting back up. “Hey Robert… just brace yourself.”

  “Ahhhh, shit,” Robert groaned.

  As his system came back online, he heard Prism saying, “Oh, y’all can’t see? I’m a human nightlight, I don’t got those problems.”

  “Yeah, it’s just a little dark,” Flambae agreed. “What’s the fucking big deal? You never closed your eyes before? Yeah, same shit.”

  “I mean, I can see in the dark,” Malevola said. “This is pretty standard for me.”

  “Fuck you guys,” Punch Up said.

  “The whole city’s out,” Robert said. “Guys, this is an all-hands on deck situation. I’m gonna get the grid back up and running. Be ready because shit’s gonna be insane the minute the lights turn back on.”

  “Some real action?” Invisigal asked. “Thank fuck.”

  First, Robert restored power to central Torrance. A call immediately came in requesting evacuation assistance for panicking soccer fans. He sent Sonar and Malevola. There was also a call from a librarian named Petunia concerned about vandals drawing ‘peens’ everywhere. Robert sent Prism.

  “What’s a good line to text a guy in a blackout?” Flambae asked.

  “I’m looting the Ralph’s, you want anything?” Robert offered.

  “Oh, um,” Malevola said, “you always did look hotter in the dark.”

  “Just say ‘Boo!’” Golem offered.

  “Golem, you’re a genius,” Flambae said.

  An intern at Vandlabs called about a situation with an unstable experiment. Robert sent Invisigal and Waterboy. As soon as they finished and got back to base, a call came in from Vandlabs again saying Red Ring goons were robbing the place. Robert sent Flambae and Golem.

  Next, Robert restored power to East Torrance.

  A call came in from an inbound airplane stating that they couldn’t contact the tower. Robert sent Prism to guide it into a landing like a beacon, to which she complied, but not before complaining, “The fuck I look like, Rudolph the Reindeer?”

  Then a call came in about checking in on a senior home. Robert sent Malevola and Waterboy. Then the refinery called about needing repairs—he sent Golem. A child called in saying that her super powered little sibling ate her mommy and daddy. Sonar and Flambae. There was a call about Red Ring stealing shipments right off of a train, so he dispatched Invisigal, Punch Up, and Prism.

  Finally, Robert restored power to western Torrance. A call immediately came in about looting in progress.

  “Pfff, looting?” Prism exclaimed. “That’s so basic. Bitches be out here wearing ski masks and robbing banks? Where’s the originality?”

  “Shut up, that’s like the go-to blackout activity,” Malevola said.

  “Besides burning all those shitty candles your aunties gave you,” Flambae added.

  Robert sent Malevola and Waterboy to check it out.

  There was a multi-car pile up and the only person available was Flambae, so Robert sent him. Then some teens went missing at the beach—Sonar and Golem were available by then so he sent them looking.

  As the shift was coming to an end, Robert groaned, “I think this shift gave me carpal tunnel.”

  “Huh,” Invisigal said back. “Would have thought years of cranking it would have gotten you there first.”

  “Probably a combo type deal,” he said back.