Double-O-Dead

  Gaurav Mathur

  "So, Mr. Cole," said Dr Shatterclaw. He was tall and slender, and he wore a dark gray Japanese kimono. The long sleeves covered both hands, but James Cole, Special Agent 0000, knew that the left “hand” was in fact a steel instrument as deadly as any he had faced.

  "At last, I have you in my clutches," he said.

  Cole didn't struggle; he knew there was no point. He was handcuffed to a large pillar, his hands tied behind his back.

  "It seems you've won this round, Shatterclaw," said Cole.

  "How clever you must have thought yourself," he smirked. "Parachuting from an aircraft not twenty miles off shore. Then, picked up by a submarine, you hid inside a torpedo. When it landed close to shore, you opened it up and dove even deeper, using your scuba gear, into the underground volcanic caverns beneath my lair. Finally you emerged, only to be captured in the act of sabotage."

  Cole kept quiet. Shatterclaw had summed it up masterfully, and even poetically. He was buggered. His only chance now was to keep Shatterclaw talking long enough for an opportunity to arrive.

  "We might have even missed you," said Shatterhand. “if not for the tuxedo."

  "It seemed the appropriate choice," said Cole.

  "Hmm... special agent James Cole, of the English Secret Service."

  "I'm Welsh-"

  "I don’t care."

  "-not English. His Majesty's kingdom is actually four countries: England, Scotland, Wales-"

  "Shut up!" yelled Shatterclaw.

  "and Northern Ireland," he muttered.

  "Now that I've eliminated you," said Shatterclaw, "there will be no one to prevent me from carrying out my plan. How long I have waited for this." He was suddenly gleeful, almost childlike. "How many times have you thwarted my plans? First, in Bermuda, when you destroyed the nuclear bomb I had worked so hard for. Then, in Switzerland, you detonated my entire compound in the Alps. I thought I had seen the last of you when I set up my base on the moon, but then you turned up in one of my own rockets. Instead of blowing up the base, you infected my crew with an STD."

  Cole tried not to smile; that mission had been more enjoyable than most.

  "But now, finally I have you in my clutches, and there is no escape." He turned his eyes upward, and even Cole had to admit it was impressive. They were inside a gigantic volcano, its interior stone surface replaced by sparkling steel. Shatterclaw had two henchmen, tall, blond, muscular, and so alike that they might have been twins. They both had eye patches, one covering the left eye, and the other the right. There were four other people, three men and a woman, manning nearby control stations. What was Shatterclaw planning?

  "Now, Agent Zero - zero - zero - zero," he said, "You'll learn the meaning of pain."

  "It's Double O Double O" said Cole.

  "Double O Double..." repeated Shatterclaw. He counted on his fingers. "I thought it was zeros?"

  "Well, yes, but we say it 'oh'"

  "You can't just change it like that!" said Shatterclaw. "Is it a letter or a number?"

  "Well, the naming is M's job, really," said Cole reasonably. "It's actually a nightmare keeping it straight on email. There’s so many bounced messages because of O's instead of zeros. Cue-ball feels the same as you, actually. He-"

  "Cue-ball?"

  "Well, he's called Q - for quartermaster. But the boys call him Cue-ball because..." he trailed off. Shatterclaw was completely bald himself, and might not appreciate the humor.

  He rushed on quickly, "Anyway, it was all fine when there was just a handful of us, but when they got to Double-O Ten, we had to add another digit, and the computer got everything out of order, so we started from Double O Double O."

  Shatterclaw just stared.

  "But we've got it sorted out. Now that we have the four digits, we can go up to 99 agents, instead of just 9."

  "You can do a hundred, actually," said one of the men at the control stations.

  "What?" said Cole.

  "Yeah, because of the zero. You could have done ten agents before, with the zero through nine, right?"

  "Oh, yeah," said Cole.

  "So now, you can do a hundred, not just ninety-nine. People forget about the zero."

  "They can do ten thousand, you nitwit," said his partner.

  "Whaddya mean?"

  "Well, it's four digits, innit? So ten to the fourth - ten thousand. It's their own bloody fault if they want to keep the first two digits zero. Makes no sense, if you ask me."

  The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

  "Oh, yeah," said the first man. "Maybe they should have used a letter instead of-"

  "Shut up!" screamed Shatterclaw. "Enough! It's time, Mr. Cole... time for you to die."

  "This is no time to die" said Cole.

  "The time to die," said Shatterclaw, stroking his chin gently, "is now."

  "I can die another day," said Cole

  "No, you can die today."

  "What about tomorrow? Tomorrow never dies."

  "Silence!" he yelled. "OLGA!"

  A large panel opened in the steel wall, revealing a short elderly woman in a tight fitting suit. She walked slowly toward Cole, her lips curled with hatred.

  "Meet Olga, Mr. Cole," said Shatterclaw. "She has shown a keen interest since your lunar adventure."

  The woman advanced further and clicked her heels. A blade popped out of her left shoe. With a wicked gleam in her eyes, she kicked violently. Cole dodged and the blade missed his knee. Again she kicked and he parried. She released another blade and struck with her right leg. The blade ripped through his pants.

  "Kill him, Olga!" yelled Shatterclaw.

  With an earsplitting shriek, she lunged forward and her foot struck the pillar so hard that the blade got stuck. Olga twisted and turned, unable to free herself. She pushed with her hands against the pillar, bringing her closer to Cole.

  "Your fragrance is lovely," said Cole, as she grunted in exertion. "It's very becoming."

  "Chanel," she snarled in fury.

  "Enough!" yelled Shatterclaw. "Dieter, get her off. Then kill him!"

  The blond man shoved Olga aside, and his twin with an eye patch aimed a crossbow at Cole. He raised the arrow level with Cole's head, and at the last moment, Cole ducked. The arrow bounced off the pillar and pierced the other man's chest.

  Dieter dropped his weapon in shock. "Hans!" he yelled, and fell over his brother's body. Hans's legs were shaking as he took his last breath. Dieter was inconsolable.

  "Idiots," said Shatterclaw. "Gunther!"

  "Yes, Dr Shatterclaw!" said a man at the control station.

  "It's time for... hahaha, yes, it's that time, Mr Cole,” said Shatterclaw, with a strange look in his eyes.

  You see, you have only multiplied your own suffering. Gunther, release the shark!"

  "Ummm... Dr Shatterclaw," said Gunther.

  "What?"

  "The shark isn't... quite alive anymore." Gunther looked frightened.

  "It isn't... alive?"

  "Madam Olga told us to put them in the main pool, not the dungeon chambers. So the shark was in there with the -"

  "With the piranhas."

  "Yes, Doctor Shatterclaw."

  "So the piranhas..."

  "Ate the shark, sir"

  "Oh, for God's sake," said Shatterclaw.

  His lip began to twitch.

  “That’s just fine. In fact, it's even better. Now you'll be eaten by piranhas. They'll tear your flesh apart one bite at a time. Gunther, a chicken please."

  Gunther brought a dead chicken to Dr Shatterclaw.

  "A demonstration, Agent Cole. Watch closely."

  He threw the chicken into the pool. But nothing happened.

  "What?" said Shatterclaw.

  "The piranhas are all full now," said Gunther. “It was a big shark, sir. They can't eat anymore."

  Shatterclaw looked ready to explode. "Well, then, Mr Cole. I guess it will have to be the laser! Gunther!"

  Gunther approached Shatterclaw slowly, and carefully handed him a device the size of a pen. He seemed more frightened than ever.

  "Impressive, Mr Cole, I know," said Shatterclaw. "It seems impossible, but this small device emits a laser powerful enough to melt rocks all the way on the moon. And now, Mr Cole..."

  He aimed the laser between Cole's legs, slowly advancing its beam up the pillar, which was so far undamaged.

  Cole screamed and writhed in fear. "Oh God!" he said. "No, anything but that!"

  Shatterclaw’s grin was like a skull. His hand steady, he raised the laser beam onto Cole's crotch.

  "AAAGGGHHH," yelled Cole. He heaved his body in spasms of pain. But by now even Shatterclaw knew the laser wasn't working.

  "GUNTHER! This is just a laser pointer!"

  "Dr Shatterclaw, you asked for a laser. We didn't know you meant a weapon."

  "Bloody blazing balls! What else would I--- " But Shatterclaw stopped in midsentence, and started to giggle uncontrollably.

  He's tipped over the edge, thought Cole. The technicians were inching slowly toward the door.

  "I don't need a laser," said Shatterclaw, still hysterical, and he removed the kimono to expose a hideous torso covered in scars. His left forearm, below the elbow, ended in a metallic prosthesis, from which Shatterclaw removed a fake hand. He inserted a steel claw into the arm, and - still laughing hysterically - advanced on Cole. He smashed the steel claw at Cole's head, but at the last second, Cole pushed the other way, leaving an empty space where his head had been. The claw smashed through the concrete and now Shatterclaw was the one who was stuck. He fiddled desperately with the metal, trying to dislodge, and tumbled slightly, his lips now close to Cole’s.

  As they looked into each other's eyes, they felt a strange kinship. What will I do, thought Shatterclaw, when Cole is dead? And Cole wondered about his purpose without his archenemy.

  Shatterclaw started to shake, and - to the astonishment of everyone in the room, began sobbing uncontrollably. He detached his arm from the claw, and scrambled toward the exit.

  "Let him burn," said Shatterclaw. "Fire the rockets and leave him there!"

  "But we don't have-“ someone said.

  "Things are going to get pretty hot for you, Mr Cole. Hahaha! Very hot indeed!" And Shatterclaw ran away from Cole, away from all of it.

  Alarms blared overhead, and flashing lights warned of impending doom.

  Dieter, Olga, and the technicians followed, leaving Cole handcuffed to the pillar.

  "Bollocks," he said.

  Using his legs for leverage, Cole tried climbing the pillar, but fell after only a few inches.

  "Bugger," he said. "Looks like I'm bloody knackered."

  The door opened, and the female technician returned. She ran over to Cole.

  "Blimey," he said. "I'd have been balls up if it weren't for you. Did M send you?"

  "Not M," she said. "I'm with MI6."

  "MI6!" Cole exclaimed. "Well, good on you, love. What should I call you?"

  "I'm Agent Honeylegs"

  "Ahh," said Cole. "So you're here for Shatterclaw, too. Well, that'll make our job-"

  "I'm not here for Shatterclaw," she said.

  Cole was confused. "But why-"

  “I’m MI6. We get in and out quietly. But there’s a rogue operative in a different London intelligence agency. He gets to our operations before us, and typically destroys half the city with him, causing billions in damages and endless pain and suffering for everyone else. We've had enough. I'm here to take him out."

  Cole looked at her wide-eyed. "But that's top notch work! Who's the-"

  She shot James Cole in the head. His hands still cuffed behind him, his head lolled forward.

  "Double-O Dead." said Agent Smith. She liked the way it sounded. She left the way she'd come in, without any fuss.